The jokes only thread....

Three young hotties go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first hottie, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last Bodacious blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya'all right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." .....(y)
 
A painter walks up to a church and offers to paint it.

The church manager agrees. Business isn’t going well for the painter so he decides to save some money by adding water to thin the paint. He gets a few days in and a massive storm appears out of nowhere with lightning and thunder crashing around him. A booming voice comes from the clouds, “How dare you steal from my church”. The painter screams out, “Lord I’m so sorry, what can I do to save myself?”. The booming voice responds, “Repaint, repaint and thin no more!”
 

1st. pirate says, "I had to cut off my hand with my sword as the ropes to the mast were dragging under sea with ship sinking."

2nd pirate says, "I had to chop off my leg as my ship was sinking. I was caught up in the ropes holding the guns in place." "How did you lose your eye."

1st. pirate says, "A Bee Stung me and it was my first day with the hook."
 
A Hottie Blonde comes into a bar very down on herself.

She says to the Bartender "I'll have a tall Draft?"

The bartender Taps her a tall draft and says, "what's up?"

Hottie replies, "I've got these two horses and well… I can't tell them apart.

I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."


The bartender, feels sorry for this sweetheart, tries to think of something he can do.

"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

Our Hottie stops sobbing and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later she comes back to the bar in worse condition than she was before.

"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The Hot Blonde, in no condition to be in public, answers,

"I shaved the tail of one of the horses

but it grew back, I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting her to shut up or leave says,

"Why don't you try shaving the mane,

maybe that will not grow back."

Our Hottie once again stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

A few months later the Hottie is back in the bar.

The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.

Without the bartender even asking She says, " I shaved the mane
of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"


The bartender says, "for crying out loud, just measure them.
Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"

She rushes out without even having a brew!

The Bartender sighs! The next day the Blonde comes
running back into the bar as if she had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" she exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one
is two inches taller than the white one!"
 
The Doctor tells the 80 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow." The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's

as clean and empty as it was the previous day. "Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.

A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I asked my wife for some help. She tried too.
With her left hand, with the right hand, she even put it under her armpit. Nothing.

"Now we got us a friend, down the street. She helps us with things now and again from time to time, seeing as how we're getting on in age, and she's trying with her left, with her right..." "Hold on," the doctor says, "you asked your neighbor for help?" "Yeah, but none of us could get that jar open."


​

 

Blonde Trapped On An Island​

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.

The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
 
..........:ROFLMAO:.......... She said to me, "She didn't want to come out of the water!" and be seen that a way.
T'he song, the song. Pain, oh the pain!
 
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An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage​


At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our honeymoon on our donkey and cart. We were about an hour into the journey when the donkey just lay down and wouldn't budge.

My new husband said to the donkey "That's one". After a few minutes the donkey got up and started going again.

After another little while the donkey again sat down and wouldn't move and my husband said "that's two".

Again eventually the donkey got up and we were on our way.

Then eventually the donkey stopped and wouldn't go any further and without a word my husband got down and shot the donkey in the head and said "that's three. ".

I was so shocked, I started screaming at my husband "what did you do that for, are you crazy that's terrible". My husband turned to me and he said "that's one".
 
Two old couples are going for a walk.
The women are up ahead and the guys are about 50 feet behind them. o**... says "We went to a really nice restaurant last week. I wish I could remember the name of it. What's the name of that flower? Smells nice, has thorns on the stem."
"A rose?"
"Yeah, that's it. ROSE, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT?"
 
The Guys a college graduate and suffering from constipation, so the Guy goes to his doctor.

Dr. says, prescribed Suppositories with the caution of 2 a day.

A week later the Guy returns to his Dr. & complained that they didn't produce the desired results.

"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my butt?"

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

My instructor says, "If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country."

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life ....

This enables you, at 85 years old.... to add an additional 5 months to your stay at assisted living.

Have you ever walked into a room, forgot why your there and did something anyway?
 
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While eating at their favorite diner, two Texans hear an awful choking sound.​

They turn around to see a lady turning blue.


The first Texan rises, hitches up his jeans and walks over to the lady.

He asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asks. She again shakes her head no.


With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt and starts to lick her butt.

Shocked, the woman coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe.


The first Texan turns back to his friend and says, "Amazing how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"
 
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that ****** stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
 
HAVE YOU HEARD the one about THE CONSTRUCTION CREW MEMBER?

“A construction worker walks into a rebar, then he did it again.”
Weeks go buy the place is slow then......
A construction worker once again walks into the rebar.

How do you get 5 lbs of meat out of a Fly?
Unzip it!
 
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The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar,

the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
 
It’s the second day of the new school year and Miss Faulkner asks Lil Johnny to tell the students in class the title to his paper? “What I Posted to Social Media this summer.“
 

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Three strings walk into a bar.​

The bartender says, "NO STRINGS ALLOWED!"
They got kicked out. One string gets an idea and ties himself into a knot. He walks back into the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender says, "Ok." And comes back with a beer. "Wait, are you a string?"
The string got kicked out.
The second string got an idea, and frayed his ends. He went back into that bar and asked for a beer. The bartender gets the beer, and says, "wait, you are a string."
The string got kicked out.
The third string got a better idea. He tied himself into a knot and frayed his ends. He asked for a beer once inside. The bartender got the beer and asked the string: "wait, are you a string?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
 
A man’s father dies. And he tells the undertaker he wants the best of everything for his father.

A month after the funeral he gets a bill. $16,000 so he pays it right up.

The next month, he got a bill for $85.00. So he paid that.

Next month he gets another bill for $85.00. So he went ahead and paid it.

The following month, he gets another bill for $85.00. So he calls the undertaker and says, listen, I keep getting a bill for $85.00 every month. What is going on?

The undertaker says, You said you wanted the best for your father. So I rented him a Tux.
 

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