The Mindless Thread

A judge's interviewing the Wife regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
Karen replies, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he says, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responds.
"I mean," he continues, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tries again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asks, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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Woman asks a wise old Guru where she can find the Perfect Man. The Guru ask what she would like in this perfect man.
He wakes up every day at 6 am - - Makes his own bed - - Cleans his room - - Exercises every day for 2 hours - - Works
sincerely at his job - - Does not touch alcohol - - Helps in the kitchen - - Does not indulge in night life - - Is always punctual
- - Prays daily - - Reads lots - - is in bed by 9 pm every night - - The Guru says that is easy for the woman to find. - -
Excitedly the woman asks “Great. Where do I find such a Perfect Man?” - -

The Guru says, “In Jail”.
 
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ``Norma Finlay, Room 302.” The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News.” The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?” The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Finlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."
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Girl comes a knocking on his front door today.
He agrees to the deal the bowling Babe gives him.
It's Buy the Booze at Her Costs or its the Gutter!

He heads out to play 18 holes of golf, Tees off then
puts his hat down beside his ball on the golf
course to mark it & looks in the woods for
some more balls, someone takes it and his ball.
 
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If you have spent years writing and reading "Thoughts for Today slogans," ... well;
you wasted all those years writing and reading nothing but total crap.
 
Paco Dennis said:
Looks like you forget the punch line, the setup with the "not peeing for over 30 years and all the hotties blowing out the back door of the bar" sounds like it could lead to a pretty wild and hilarious punchline. 😂
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Back, shortly after the Earth cooled, I heard a version of this joke. The punchline was: "swim for the rafters girls; this guy ain't had a pea (pee) in thirty years".
 
I’m thinking of a Pee Biscuit joke now! …. :ROFLMAO: …

How to change a sodden, very nasty Pee Biscuit Plastic Mat-Assy? Very Carefully.
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How do you clean the floor under the Urinal? Hire it done.
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What’s the nastiest place you ever been in? The Men’s Room & Urinal.
 
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Talent knows pros have the right tools to make everything ok. I still am
Shutting ;up early tonight. …. (y) …. :ROFLMAO: … It sort of moves my soul though!
Maybe a bag of peanuts will fill my hunger tonight.
 
I guess it’s a blessing having 17 neighbors in the HOA that are boring.
At least they don’t have Jack Ryan movies playing in the front yards!
 
The other day I had a flat on the highway. I pulled to the side, went to the trunk, opened it and pulled out two cardboard men. I unfolded them and put them on both sides of the rear of my car facing the oncoming traffic. To tell you the truth, they looked pretty realistic! They were dressed in trench coats that exposed they were naked underneath, to the approaching cars.

All of a sudden, the cars started slowing down, people were flashing their lights and honking their horns!!Finally a police officer pulled up behind me, got out and came towards me with a mad look on his face. He asked, "what's going on here?" I "explained" that I had a flat tire.

"What the hell are those two obscene cardboard men doing here beside the road?" I couldn't believe he didn't know! "That's my emergency flashers!"
 
papa tiger said:
The other day I had a flat on the highway. I pulled to the side, went to the trunk, opened it and pulled out two cardboard men. I unfolded them and put them on both sides of the rear of my car facing the oncoming traffic. To tell you the truth, they looked pretty realistic! They were dressed in trench coats that exposed they were naked underneath, to the approaching cars.

All of a sudden, the cars started slowing down, people were flashing their lights and honking their horns!!Finally a police officer pulled up behind me, got out and came towards me with a mad look on his face. He asked, "what's going on here?" I "explained" that I had a flat tire.

"What the hell are those two obscene cardboard men doing here beside the road?" I couldn't believe he didn't know! "That's my emergency flashers!"
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I'm not sure if that's contrived or true, papa tiger, but who cares? What a great tale, I love it. My wife and I, in our younger and fitter years, loved dancing, that's Latin & Ballroom. We made so many friends on the dance circuit.

One of those that we met was a lady, who, when not indulging in a quick-step, had another love in her life, she was a burlesque performer. We never did get to see her act, I mean, spare my blushes, but my wife did make her a costume. We have long since lost touch but my wife's email-address details must still be common knowledge. Yesterday my lady had an email inviting her to a burlesque show. Check out the ticket price.
burlesque.jpg
 
Jamie has a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker,
but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He wills his eyes open and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water
on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.

Swallowing the aspirins, he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and
a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

Jamie goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. "Son. what happened last night?"
"You came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then
you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"
 
Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful man and
all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake,
but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
"I'm supposed to do all the housework and the SOB hasn't built one in over 7 months.
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I had expected much better from you!
 

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