Hey, you never know...probably depends on what "boneyard" you go to. No dishes or housekeeping. Might enjoy the heck out of the bingo, music and card games!
What are you going to do when you can no longer live alone?
- Thread starter fuzzybuddy
- Start date
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
What a terrible dilemma that would be. Needing 24/7 care would be something like a end stage cancer, a catastrophic stroke or advanced dementia. Assisted living would likely not be an option unless it was dementia and the memory care unit was able sufficient to manage his/her needs. SNFs are like hospitals. Healthy family members can't move in - at least not to my knowledge.
If we were talking end stages of a terminal illness, I'd probably hire as much supportive health care as I could afford so I could keep him home with me.
Star, we've had two long term nursing home residents in our family - husband's side. His grandfather was a hard working laborer and had arthritis real bad. He'd get off work on Friday night and be fine. By Monday morning he was so locked up. He lived well into his 90's, last 10 years in the boneyard. Hub's mom didn't exercise and had osteoporosis - "bone on bone" and just couldn't navigate to do those magic 13 steps after she was in the hospital the last time so she spend 9 years in a nursing home, died in her 95th year.
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
I was having a conversation about assisted living facilities some years back with my brother's then-GF. She said that about 15 years earlier her grandmother had become financially and physically unable to continue living independently. She wanted to move in with one of her children's families, but none had the space or inclination to have her do so. The relationship with this GM was strong and generally positive.
Finally, the adult children got together and found a beautiful nearby Assisted Living facility. They moved GM in. Despite her original resistance she quickly began to thrive there. She joined in on the activities, made many friends, and lived another 11 years before passing away. Her kids paid the tab to keep her there.
So I said to my brother's GF, "I guess it all worked out well then, yes?"
She replied, "My Grandmother never spoke to any of us again. We knew she was doing well because our family paid the bills. We'd drop off whatever she needed. While checking on her we'd see her laughing, playing bingo, doing exercises, and so forth, but she never said another word to us."
So there's that.
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
What do you mean by the boneyard and magic 13 steps?
I've had two parent/parent-in-law in assisted living (one still in). None in long-term SNF. At least not yet, thank heavens.
Star... what a great family, to do that. Go figure, no good deed is left unpunished.
Well, it may be different in different states, but here we tend to call a nursing home "the boneyard". Probably came from a well known columnist who had a great sense of humor and when he aged out he used to talk about it with sprinkled laughter.
As far as the 'magic 23 steps"...that's what the nurses called it so the person was able to go back to the assisted living facility instead of the nursing home. When they went in the nursing home, they'd still try to get them up and moving, but if they didn't then they had to stay in the SNF.
Kimwhiz
Member
It’s tough for both sides I’m sure. One of my fav movies ever. Clint is still a bad a$$.
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
My mom was wheelchair bound and my FIL recently became so. Neither of their assisted living facilities batted an eyelash at that, nor did the SNF from which my mother transitioned to the AL after recovering from her broken hip.
Many ALs have people who are completely wheelchair bound, needing bathroom, shower, and personal care assistance. At least that's true in California. Not sure about TX laws.
GeorgiaXplant
Well-known Member
- Location
- Georgia
Wow. I missed this thread the first time around, but reading some of the posts on it is downright scary. Now I'm counting my blessings because I live in a granny flat attached to my DD/DSIL's house. It's tiny but has a bedroom with a walk-in closet, sitting room, full kitchen, bath, separate entrance. I doubt that I'll ever live anywhere else between now and when I become a crispy critter. I make my own breakfast and lunch, join them for dinner or cook for myself or for all of us or whatever suits and give them a generous amount of $$ each month to cover my portion of the phone plan/utilities/groceries. I do buy my own groceries when I cook just for myself.
BTW, I've only ever heard boneyards used in connection with cemeteries!
BTW, I've only ever heard boneyards used in connection with cemeteries!
Well, Hub's mom went strait from a walker into the bed. That was the issue, something about her being able to have enough strength to even get in and out of bed or a wheelchair and "navigate" the chair to just do the minimum. She never was in a wheelchair nor wanted to try one I think.
She would just lay in bed and have to have a couple people lift her up -and wore a diaper, which they changed every 2 hours... she refused the PT in the hospital and if you refuse it twice, they don't come back. It was like she just didn't have the strength, or want to try to do anything except lay in bed. She'd been in a nice retirement center / assisted living center for a few years.
Prior to that she had lived with us for a while. My mother also lived with us for many years - they were both born on the same day! Different as day and night though...lol.
Long DNA on Hub's mom's side of the family. Hoping I go first...don't want to be the "last one" standing. But it is what it is and will be what it will be, huh.
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
What a great arrangement, Georgia. Lucky you!
And ditto on the term boneyard. That's why I asked for clarification.
Yeah, see what you mean... boneyard, guess it could be either one, huh. Also guessWhat a great arrangement, Georgia. Lucky you!
And ditto on the term boneyard. That's why I asked for clarification.
we need to think of all of life as the "great earth adventure"...lol.
Pecos
Well-known Member
- Location
- Washington State
My wife and I have identified a very nice senior independent living complex in Washington State that we will be moving to in a few years. They take care of all the cooking, driving, cleaning and other things that to get difficult for older people. Of prime concern to me is that I don't want her left rattling around in the house alone cooking for one. She is a social person and needs to interact with other people. Isolation would be extremely hard on her. An assisted living facility is a short walking distance away, so if one of us needs that level of help, we won't have to drive to get a visit. It is close enough that our bichon can walk over there with us.
The first time I visited the facility, was on a short trip to the West Coast. I toured the facility and was very impressed. Later I had an excellent lunch where the facility director seated me with two ladies from our town in South Carolina. One of them was the sister of our lawyer and the other had recently moved there from a neighborhood about 2 miles from us. These ladies were delightful and I really wished that my wife had made that trip with me as she would have loved talking to them.
I took that visit as an Omen and my wife and I are going back out there again to get a better idea of what we should take with us for one of their 2 bedroom apartments.
If I have to leave the planet, that is where I want my lovely wife to be.
The first time I visited the facility, was on a short trip to the West Coast. I toured the facility and was very impressed. Later I had an excellent lunch where the facility director seated me with two ladies from our town in South Carolina. One of them was the sister of our lawyer and the other had recently moved there from a neighborhood about 2 miles from us. These ladies were delightful and I really wished that my wife had made that trip with me as she would have loved talking to them.
I took that visit as an Omen and my wife and I are going back out there again to get a better idea of what we should take with us for one of their 2 bedroom apartments.
If I have to leave the planet, that is where I want my lovely wife to be.
OneEyedDiva
SF VIP
- Location
- New Jersey
My son swears he wouldn't put me in a nursing home but sometimes life dictates something different. He said if I start ailing, he'd move me in with him and his wife but right now, that's not practical. They are in an apartment and my two adult grandsons live there too. If living with them is not a realistic option, I'll have to either have a home health aid or go into an assisted living facility or nursing home.
Yes, and the assisted living facilities can be pricey. My mother in law lived in one for years, after living with us...we traveled a lot and it became necessary for her to move there due to mobility issues and my mom, who also lived with us.
Think its easy to "say" you wouldn't allow a loved one to go a nursing home, but lets face it, it becomes necessary at times. If you have the funds, a good assisted living center can be the choice assuming there's not a need for 24/7 care...but with that said, they've become much more expensive in the last few years, I think. Obviously, the nursing home (skilled nursing facility) is the next move from the assisted living facility.
OneEyedDiva
SF VIP
- Location
- New Jersey
Liberty...and I live in N.J. which has one of the highest costs for assisted living and nursing homes. I never intended to put my mother in a nursing home but I had a heart condition, she was failing more (and about my weight or heavier) and I actually got very sick one day when I was taking care of her so my uncle had to come. I could no longer take adequate care of her, so I know what you mean. But we were blessed. I found a very good place and the staff came to love her so she got treated very well. Her money ran out in a few months but they kept her there when Medicaid kicked in.
Norman said he thinks about his future a lot, what options...
There is good info threads on Reverse Mortgages if you own your home..., it is a rip-off as far as I'm concerned.
AARP has become a propaganda mag. for it's advertisers...
Old age brings an influx of NEW problems we never considered when younger.
It worries me constantly, which do I fear more: death or being totally dependent on other.
I worked for Adult Protective Services, investigated Nursing Homes for three months, then the Nursing Home Lobby got the politico;s
to pass a bill, where in the Nursing Homes hired their own investigator. (money rules all politico's, state-federal-all the same)
If you have to go to a nursing home, make sure it is CHURCH AFFILIATED , most have long waiting list.
Private nursing homes: employees effect the bottom line=lot of snake pits, especially if no one ever visits you.
There is good info threads on Reverse Mortgages if you own your home..., it is a rip-off as far as I'm concerned.
AARP has become a propaganda mag. for it's advertisers...
Old age brings an influx of NEW problems we never considered when younger.
It worries me constantly, which do I fear more: death or being totally dependent on other.
I worked for Adult Protective Services, investigated Nursing Homes for three months, then the Nursing Home Lobby got the politico;s
to pass a bill, where in the Nursing Homes hired their own investigator. (money rules all politico's, state-federal-all the same)
If you have to go to a nursing home, make sure it is CHURCH AFFILIATED , most have long waiting list.
Private nursing homes: employees effect the bottom line=lot of snake pits, especially if no one ever visits you.
Wonderful OED...you have good feelings about your mom, then, I'm sure. So glad she got in a good place with nice people. So many don't realize you give up your "assets" when going into a nursing home, to qualify for Medicaid unless you have the bucks to personally sustain it which less than 30% have and for the very long term I'm guessing it would be way less would have the where with all to actually fund it.
If you care about leaving anything to your relatives its best to sign it over to them as soon as you can as most states require it to be done 5 yrs. previously to filing Medicaid. Yeah, that's real hard I know.
This is a good article on living independently as a senior...you know, I know several that are into their late 80's and early 90's that are doing well. Its said that 80% of seniors actually live independently till they pass on. Like my mom and dad (dad was on total disability for 9 years, but took care of himself right up till the day he died at home) used to say, "don't worry about me, dear...because God and I got a deal", and they both did!:
https://www.healthline.com/health-news/aging-seniors-can-stay-at-home-longer-but-need-help-121213#1
terry123
Well-known Member
- Location
- Houston, Tx.
Me too, Jim!
Me too, but if when I lose my ability to hop in my truck with my dog and go to McDonalds and get us both a hamburger, I think that will be the straw that breaks my back....but I accept that fact that, well I'm not going think about it.
Myquest55
Member
- Location
- Happily in MAINE
We recently retired and moved to a typical New England home (part of it is old, part of it is newer). The washer & dryer were also in the creepy basement but we managed to create closet space & brought them upstairs (BEST thing we did!!) Like Lethe200, we have been touring the various Retirement communities in the area and are looking for a CCRC or something close. We have our names on one wait list but hope to find at least one more - in some communities, the wait can be up to 8 years!! We left our children behind and are loving our new home! We hope to stay in our house as long as we can but, DH has Parkinsons, so we thought we should be ready - just in case he felt it was time. That way, we can be in place for Assisted Living or Palliative (nursing) Care, as needed.
My father moved in to an Erickson Community (Maris Grove in Penn.) when he & his wife were 80 and it has kept him alive! (he is 94 now and still pretty independent) There are SO MANY things to do! We love to visit there, everyone seems happy, there are groups of people getting together before and after dinner, trips, classes, a pool, bowling alley, theater and all kinds of events! Once moved in, you can still work, stay as quiet or involved as you like. One plus - they knew a lot of folks from work and their old neighborhoods, already there.
My father moved in to an Erickson Community (Maris Grove in Penn.) when he & his wife were 80 and it has kept him alive! (he is 94 now and still pretty independent) There are SO MANY things to do! We love to visit there, everyone seems happy, there are groups of people getting together before and after dinner, trips, classes, a pool, bowling alley, theater and all kinds of events! Once moved in, you can still work, stay as quiet or involved as you like. One plus - they knew a lot of folks from work and their old neighborhoods, already there.
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
I frankly see this as immoral and unethical behavior. If one has the assets to fund old age treatment, the social obligation is to do so, not to transfer those assets to children, cry poverty and rely on government assistance (meaning you, me, and everyone else) to pick up the tab.
These kinds of shenanigans are exactly why the five year look-backs for asset transfers were enacted.
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You are right...you know, I hear people just totally amazed that they have to "pledge" their assets when they go into a SNH. Its like we, as Americans automatically think this should be granted to us. Look how much it costs to keep someone year after year. I tried to bring cookies and stuff to the health care workers when visiting my mother in law, as I knew they were not highly paid and worked hard.
Of course, of those who do sign things over to their children or loved ones, many times they never have to go into a facility. It is what it is.