The jokes only thread....

Billy Bob and Luther are talking one day.
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
 

An elderly couple is going to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first.
"How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man.
"I'm eating well, and still in control I'm of my bowels and bladder.
In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good rns Lord tuthe light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement and goes into
the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks.
"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and
I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night,
the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?"
"Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
 
A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde "You paid for economy class and you will have to sit in the back."
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and she won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, i'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First class isn't going to Toronto."
 

A man from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
My friend just sent me this and it cracked me up. She said she saw it on Facebook.

A little boy goes to his father and asks,
" Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers,
" well son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an
online chat room. Then I set up a date via E-mail
with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber Cafe
We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months
later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You've got male!"
 
Sassycakes said:
My friend just sent me this and it cracked me up. She said she saw it on Facebook.

A little boy goes to his father and asks,
" Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers,
" well son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an
online chat room. Then I set up a date via E-mail
with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber Cafe
We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months
later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You've got male!"
Click to expand...



Sassycakes said:
So amazing that someone came up with this.
Click to expand...
 
Sassycakes said:
Billy Bob and Luther are talking one day.
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
Click to expand...
The last line surprised me.
 

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.​

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.
After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.
Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.
The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."
 

A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out.
The man asked to be stronger than any other man.
He was given the strength to crush boulders.

He asked for the world's fastest sports car and a Ferrari
appeared in front of him.

He then asked to be smarter than
any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman.
 
Wife: I found Aladin’s lamp today

Husband: Wow, what did you ask for darling?

Wife: I asked him to increase your brain power by ten times.

Husband: Oh… love you so much.. Did he do that?

Wife: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t work with zero.
 
Let Me Think For a Second ~

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup!"
 
John was sitting outside his local pub, enjoying a pint of vodka when a nun appears & starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" she says.
John asks, "How do you know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so," replies the nun.
"But have you ever had a drink yourself?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I have never had a drink."
"Then you can't be sure that what you're saying is right. I'll tell you what. Let me buy you a drink. After you've tried it, if you still believe it is evil I will give up drinking for life."
"I'm a nun. What will people think if they see me drinking?"
"I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The nun reluctantly agrees, so John walks up to the bartender, lowers his voice & says, "Another pint for me & a triple vodka on the rocks & could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Ah," says the bartender. "That nun again?"
 
When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them:
I have two gifts to give you - one is to pee standing up and...
Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming:
M E..! M E..! I want it, please Lord... please... please... please...
This would make life a lot easier!
Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her.
So God gave Adam the gift.
Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree.
He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand.
He lit a fire and played fireman..
God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God:
and... what is the other present?
And God answered:
A Brain Eve ... The brain is yours...
And that is why women are smarter than Men
 
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV.

On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc.

“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.”

“No problem hon,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
 
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One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."
"For reading a book"? she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!!
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ROMANCE, SENIOR-STYLE

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”
 
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