Very restless tonight. It's like I have RLS or something. Geez! I hate nights like this. I think it's just because I've been so upset lately. It's hard sometimes to let things go when they're bothering you. But sometimes that's the only way you can ever relax. Sometimes I wonder if things were worse if I'd be falling apart completely or if I'd be hangin in there like now because God's got my back. I'm just getting tired of living in survival mode.
Found this article this evening. Pretty helpful if anyone is interested.
Survival Mode
Everything is always for people with friends and family. Never much for people who don't have anyone in their lives to help them. That's kinda crappy.
Sometimes I wonder if this "survival mode" has been going on so long because of continual issues in my life. Ones that aren't going to be going away for one reason or another. Sometimes I wonder if part of the stress I endure every day is due to working in the healthcare setting. Part of my job is to support and feed others through the day but, who looks after the caregivers? You devote your life to being a part of a team that helps others and there's no one to look after you and help take care of you.
Especially if you're alone. It's up to you to do it all. All by yourself. At the end of the day you are all you have. That's not an easy life to live. It's actually a very demanding life. And as things get more desperate for me, I find myself doing like she said in that article...tossing the things I don't need overboard. Right now, anything that makes matters worse seems to be getting tossed out of my boat. Too many leaks and I'm here by myself trying to fix them all and keep the boat afloat. If I lose the oars to the boat I'm in trouble.
Sometimes when people are overwhelmed by life in general, they over react to a lot of things. I am guilty of this. I don't have the time or energy for negatives in my life. I get plenty of that at work and in other areas of life. I am trying to take care of me. After all this time...I am finally trying to take care of me. I can't worry about anyone else right now. Things have gotten more dire for me & need attn. soon. I don't have a husband to take part of the problems off my hands or family that can pitch in or friends that can help out. It's all on me, all the time. I am the bread winner, the bill payer, the cook, the maid, the grocery shopper, the one that my place of employment relies on to do certain jobs that others can't be trusted with. I am my own comforter. My own caregiver.
I don't have kids or grandkids to help out. I have no one but myself to help get me through every day, all day, 365 days a year. I have to be my own companion and make my own fun. I have to do all the worrying about things by myself. That's a lot of pressure for one person. If I'd been a single mom yet, I'd have gone crackers for sure. I have spent many a night exhausted and in tears just trying to keep it together. Now I'm just here trying to survive each day to make it to the next. It would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on but, I don't have time for that crap either. Sometimes I will lay here and just have a good cry and unload as much of it as I can. Sometimes I write just to get it out and get it expressed in a safe way. It's easier to write about being in a rage than it is to be in an actual rage and lose your job.
I know I'm not alone. I know there are others who've had just as difficult if not worse lives. I'm not whining. Just expressing myself. I know things could be so much worse. I know there are children in 3rd world countries who are starving for love and for food. I get all that. But we all have problems and our problems are important to us. We all need an outlet. I'm not looking for advice or to have my story critiqued, just getting it off my chest.
Gonna try to go back to sleep now.