Aneeda72
Well-known Member
Why? Will the dust police arrest someone if you are not dusted?
Here I go again, grieving over my problems with my son.
- Thread starter Shalimar
- Start date
Aneeda72
Well-known Member
I just have to ask, I am compelled to ask. You said you have 15 children. My dad had 10 children, that I know of, but five different wives, at least. 1st wife daughter. 2nd wife daughter, 3rd wife daughter and son, fourth wife daughter and son, fifth wife, hmm, 3 daughters one son.
Did the wife you have physically have 15 children? If so, your wife is more than amazing. I barely survived giving birth 3 times.
Aneeda72
Well-known Member
@Pepper where did this come from? Primary controller? Why would either be a controller. She lives her life, he lives his life. Do you have a son? Cause I can tell you right now the primary controller of my son is his girlfriend. Cause when she is unhappy, he gets kicked to his own housing to rethink his position in life.Back to OP---@Shalimar----Who is the primary controller? You or your son?
I remember the first time I fell in love with her, his girlfriend. She is Chinese. We asked our son to help with something in front of her. He gave his usual āiāllcheck my schedule and get back to you.ā
His girlfriend, elbowed him in the side, pointed her finger in his face, and said, āYou do tomorrow.ā 
. And he did.Yup, I love her. LOVE HER. Told him he never gets to break up with her while I am alive. Told him if he does, Iām keeping her and he is on his own. I know a good thing when I see it.
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
LOL - he said he gave his kids 15 years of his life, not that he had 15 kids.
Aneeda72
Well-known Member
Oh, well, there you go, duh, me.LOL - he said he gave his kids 15 years of his life, not that he had 15 kids.
. I plea a senior moment but his wife is still amazing.
Wouldnāt it be nice if we had a āgo awayā pill that took all of our worries and concerns away? Instead, we have to deal with feelings of hurt and sorrow that we believe has been caused by a failed relationship. Of course, itās easy for others to prescribe a cure for our ails, but alas, they seldom work.
Have you tried sitting down and having a heart to heart talk? Put it all out on the table. If the problem can be resolved, thatās the time to take care of it. It may be just a simple āRemember the time you..........?ā Whatever he has stuck in his crotch, thereās no better time to remove the thorn.
Have you tried sitting down and having a heart to heart talk? Put it all out on the table. If the problem can be resolved, thatās the time to take care of it. It may be just a simple āRemember the time you..........?ā Whatever he has stuck in his crotch, thereās no better time to remove the thorn.
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
What an interesting question. I don't know that any of my relationships have "primary controllers." Even my relationship with my five year old granddaughter is fairly equal, though she defers on certain things - when it's ok to cross the street, what time she needs to go to bed, or how many cookies she may have (though I often let her wheedle extras, because, well, Grandma.). Otherwise though, we're on fairly equal footing.Back to OP---@Shalimar----Who is the primary controller? You or your son?
I play a whole lot more school; listen to more 5 year old level reading material; diaper, dress and put to bed far more baby dolls, have more fabric snowball fights (I admit to having bought them so perhaps that falls on my side of the control list), and assemble way more100 piece puzzles than I would ordinarily engage in, because that's what's important in her world. Is that control?
She waits somewhat patiently while I visit with her parents and do adult things instead of engaging in the above. That's her sacrifice, and patience for a 5 year old is a considerable sacrifice so I don't push her beyond her limits.
The truth is she probably has more power to hurt my feelings, by turning on her heel and freezing me out than I do with her. Same with her 8 year old brother. But they don't. And I don't.
Primary controller of a relationship? I don't think I like the sound of that...
Shalimar
SF VIP
- Location
- Vancouver Island Canada
Oh yes, I have tried, many times, he is not ready to listen. Perhaps one day he will be
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grahamg
Old codger
- Location
- South of Manchester, UK
When I first scanned your post I thought you'd said "have you had a heart attack?
!"On the heart to heart business though, a friend of mine I used to call my "second mum" always went on about wanting a get together with all three of her sons, especially her eldest who was in my age group at school. I don't think it ever came to anything, as I kept telling her it wouldn't, but she was a very intelligent and resourceful woman, even if she couldn't get everything she wanted out in the open with her boys. Her eldest lad, when he was about forty years old, wrote her a snotty letter, and in it called her by her Christian name, Sheila. Her response letter was something to behold, and whilst informing him she hasn't given him permission to use her Christian name, in a loving way reminded him of her own abilities and just how much he owed her as the most wonderful and attentive stay at home mother she'd been when her boys were young! .
Shalimar
SF VIP
- Location
- Vancouver Island Canada
Thank you so much for asking, Ruth. I am feeling a bit better, weeping certainly can be helpful
With apologies, I did not express my thoughts or my question well.Actually, with respect, I think the hostility may be yours. Certainly, a hint of aggression is.
Colleen
Senior Member
- Location
- Pennsylvania
This sounds SO familiar! My son is also judgmental and cruel in his assessment of me an my "mothering" skills. He's now 45 and still accuses me of "abandoning" him when he was 23 years old. I was divorced for a few years and he had a good paying job, while I had a part-time job that paid $5/hour. He lived with me at the time and I expected him to pay his share. He never did. I was in a car accident that totaled my car and I was walking 2 1/2 miles to work in all kinds of weather, when I worked. He never offered me a ride to work...not once. So, when I left to go to CA with a man I had met back in 1975, he said I abandoned him. I wanted a life of my own. Was that a major crime to be punishable for the rest of my life? I don't think so. I chose, after many attempts to make amends with him (it took years), to just step away from this toxic relationship. No grandchildren...thank God, so my ties with him are done. Emotionally, it's difficult sometimes and I'd like to reach out to him, but I remember all the cruel things he's said to me and I don't want to put myself through that any more. I'm 74 and don't need it.
Shalimar
SF VIP
- Location
- Vancouver Island Canada
Aneeda72
Well-known Member
You cannot abandon someone who is 23. My daughter is in this position now with her two adopted girls who are 22. They ignore her until they need a rescue from their bad choices. She finally listened to me and refused to rescue one of them. She is raising the others baby. You were not wrong to step away. I donāt think you are wrong to stay away.
At our age, I am 74, we need to care for ourselves. We deserve peace. If he reaches out to you, that would be different, if he has grown up and has a different view point. Take care of yourself, stay safe.
Colleen
Senior Member
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Honestly....some never mature. My son is 45. He abandoned me when he was 17 years old.
Judycat
Well-known Member
- Location
- Pennsylvania
My oldest son and I are like oil and water. I know he cares about me, but we don't like each other particularly. Short visits are fine but it's not hard saying good by. When I need help he's there though. He's a good decent man and I'm satisfied with that.
Me too!
This is also my grieve.
My story is tragic to the max.
Yet i have watched youtube on adopted grown children found and of course is shown only the good parts of this matter.
I stupidly in dreamland thought that old commercial of " reach out and touch someone" was a good idea.
As I've read along this journey, "that good intentions never go unpunished"...catches my reality "Murphy's law ".
Many years go by as that word "ostracizing" pops up a word akong side of "estrange"....the pain is over-whelming that several times i felt like turning myself into "spring harbor" never to throw in the towel yet can anyone celebrate every holiday alone....after four daughters. I have made my mistakes and believed they would come willingly in my heart they live....recently i found out my estranged sister's address..i wrote her that i realized where my daughter was hiding...she did not like what i had to say. Though she is married recently living in his house. She had to yell out so he would hear how good she is and i am the evil of us both.
She did call me with s few digs and insults in a creative positioned area of our talk when i went forward to try to forgive.
She had my new email phone number and old address meant to give to my daughter. She knows where she is....yet said. If she tells me she "Brooke" will not talk to her ever. Yet when she told me that she heard from my daughter, she said that if her son (her only one) didnt want to talk to her she would not talk to him.
Two of my sisters had boys no daughters so you see the jealousy later in years gone by.
This is grown too long and so i will rest my case. Even though ive told her that i was the one who gave birth to her and i was the one who changed her nappies......it didnt faze her a bit.
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Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
Well, I have one son an only child. We were very close for years and then came the teen years. My mom warned me I'd get pay back. Did I ever have my hands full. He became disrespectful, started drinking at age 15, skipped school, etc. This from a straight A student just a couple of years prior. So, it was tough love, baby, and then he decided to compete with me. He did finish high school at 16, even though he continued to drink off and on. But he was determined he would out do me intellectually. Where this came from I shall never know. He did as a youth on rainy days sit and read the Encyclopedia Brittanica for pleasure and soaked what he learned like a sponge.. In addition when it came to anything mechanical, he could take it apart and put it together in better shape than before. I would always praise him for his talents and brains. We were not distance in telling each other how much we loved one another and hugs were frequent. Still are to this day. I introduced him to his wife and they dated for awhile. She was extremely jealous of him and also of his relationship with me. For he ultimately respected me for not taking any guff from him and more or less straightening him out. He finally broke up with her and they did not speak for 6 years. This girl had many issues. She was bi-polar and border line schizo. Her mother died at 37 from brain cancer when she was 13 and her sister 11. Her dad was a traveling salesman and rarely around, so the grandparents were in charge. They did not see to it that she always took her meds and there was always a problem in the family dynamic. At any rate, my son's path crossed hers after 6 years and they got back together. Everyone was delighted buy me, but I did not show it at all. I made a real show of welcoming her as the daughter I never had, etc. She worked on my kid, so that, they both wound up being quite unkind to me. As a matter of fact, she was downright cruel and her vituperations were to the point that had I had a gun, I'd have happily killed her. I banished both of them from my life which lasted for over 2 years. They had moved away, but of course I knew this from friends. Finally, he could stand it no longer and approached me, contrite and begging me to see him. I of course said ok, with the caveat to leave her home. We had a loving reunion and then one day she sent me a letter with abject apologies for her behavior, recognizing now that she was immature, etc. I think that came from her therapist and her father. Well after that we had a cautious relationship and she never interfered my son's affections for me. I told her that I was not her enemy, and that we both loved him. A mother's love is quite different than that of a wife. We did have a few good times together, and when she became ill with cancer, I took care of her. She went fast, only 4 months after her diagnosis. Now, my son is leaning on me like a little boy again and I am making sure he doesn't continue along those lines. It's tough, Shalimar with kids. They get a mind set and we have to deal with it the best way we know how. Did it hurt? You bet. But, I was a therapist myself at one time, so I had many tools to work with. Not everyone is that fortunate. I pray your situation improves daily. The child does not have permission to criticize you ever unless you are druggie or an outright criminal and it would do to remind him of this. You are his mom and he either accepts that fact or will lose you forever. Kids fear that deep down.
You are in my thoughts daily.
You are in my thoughts daily.
A surrogate mew family for the holidays should be up for grabs on 2020 that would fix some of this loneliness.
I like to see the fussing, don't understand it-keyboard ugly does not merit attention.
We are a humorous bunch, just watch: won't be a minute or so before someone says something
that offends others.
Clyde told me long ago, "Don't pay no never mind, don't mean squat.".
Now if their carrying a stick, that's a different matter.
We are a humorous bunch, just watch: won't be a minute or so before someone says something
that offends others.
Clyde told me long ago, "Don't pay no never mind, don't mean squat.".
Now if their carrying a stick, that's a different matter.
That's not a successful argument. No one asked to be born and no one newly born can change their own nappies. Losing strategy.
grahamg
Old codger
- Location
- South of Manchester, UK
Your story is quite familiar to me, though of course as a man my perspective has to be slightly different. Obviously men don't give birth to their children, no matter that we hope we've loved them as much as the mother does, or if that is not possible, as much as we believe we could have loved any child, as my estranged daughter of over twenty years has been told in some correspondence through a third party recently.
I recognise your expressed position at the end of your post, and concur with your conclusions. Fully estranged children may never come back is the reality I've come yo accept, but the "irreconcilable" aspect is all on her side, and in my belief, still due in large part to the attitude of her mother towards any love being shown by my child to me.