I want to move, husband refuses

It sounds like my husband and I are in a some what similar situation,except he wants to move and I don't. We've lived in our present home for over 40yrs. I love it but the neighborhood is also changing a lot. My son and daughter also want us to move to be closer to where they both have their homes. My daughter is really anxious for us to move near her because she thinks she could help us more and see us more. Last week my husband and my daughter went to an open house near her. My husband came home and told me he really liked it. So I thought about it for awhile and then I told him if he wants to move it's ok with me. I didn't want to fight over it anymore and now I think that it might be the best thing to do. The only thing I insisted on was it being a one story house. So now we are looking for a new home.
 

Peridot you asked what others think.


Quote
"As far as I'm concerned, I will not be married 'part time', it's all or nothing. I'll keep you updated. Very stressful and I'm starting to get resentful. Thanks all!"


Try this. Step outside the box you are in & go back and read all that you have posted. Think about what you would advise another self sufficient woman to do. Your posts have all been about the pro reasons for moving, use that as your guide. You are at the point of resentment so it's possible you might not like the answer you would give. Basically you would be confronting the issue head on which isn't ever easy.


Only advice I would give is don't issue an ultimatum, seek legal advice if you decide you no longer want to tolerate the situation you are in.
 

Camper6 said:
After living alone for 5 years I would never give up a loyal partner for a house. Never.
Click to expand...
Does what she has been describing sound like she has a loyal partner? Loyalty goes both ways in a marriage, do the reasons she outlines sound unreasonable?

Flat out she isn't asking about abandoning him only trying to get some views on what she thinks are valid reasons for wanting to move.
 
Camper6 said:
Depends on your definition of 'loyal'. Your pet dog is loyal because he follows and loves you in spite of what you are like.. Not the other way around.
Click to expand...

Apple to oranges. The woman deserves the full support of her husband which according to her posts isn't happening. Her security alone should be enough reason to relocate.
 
Many manufactured homes with no basement have "Root cellars" where potatoes, squash, and apples can be kept. This can double as a "Safe room" for storms and his gun safe could fit nicely in one corner. We excavated a 6'x6'x6' cubicle which is entered through a trap door in my bedroom. I say "My" bedroom because my wife and I have separate sleeping quarters. The origin of that arrangement stemmed from a major conflict within our marriage. That's all been settled long ago but we've both found our privacy is preferable. Sometimes tension within a relationship demands physical separation but the parties (for various reasons) can't or won't admit that fact. Your husband may prefer the isolation of his "Spare room" but can't or won't say it. I know that may be reaching but people are often operating on a completely different level than we recognize.

Other than that, if you keep a good roof on modern mobile homes...they last forever. But, rather than a "Park", I would highly recommend purchasing a small forested rural plot near you (5-6 acres) and put a mobile on it. If you own your own land, you can do as you please in privacy and answer to no one. They come with two bedrooms. It can all be done very cheaply. Explain these things to him...perhaps he'll see the light.
 
Anomaly 73 said:
Many manufactured homes with no basement have "Root cellars" where potatoes, squash, and apples can be kept. This can double as a "Safe room" for storms and his gun safe could fit nicely in one corner. We excavated a 6'x6'x6' cubicle which is entered through a trap door in my bedroom. I say "My" bedroom because my wife and I have separate sleeping quarters. The origin of that arrangement stemmed from a major conflict within our marriage. That's all been settled long ago but we've both found our privacy is preferable. Sometimes tension within a relationship demands physical separation but the parties (for various reasons) can't or won't admit that fact. Your husband may prefer the isolation of his "Spare room" but can't or won't say it. I know that may be reaching but people are often operating on a completely different level than we recognize.
Click to expand...

I rarely hear people admit to separate bedrooms, but I cringe at the thought of sharing a bedroom with another person. The husband in this thread may not want to give up his autonomy, or something odd like that. Their current arrangement doesn't seem to be old enough for him to be set in stone with it, so it could well be another issue entirely.
 
Shalimar said:
No one should have to live in a place where they don't feel safe.
Click to expand...

My feelings exactly; I would not continue to live in a place where I felt my personal safety was at stake. I especially wouldn't put my safety at risk when (a) it's MY house, (b) he is not offering to do anything to decrease my feelings of not being safe, (c) the relationship is fairly new and i would seriously question the viability of the relationship if he seems uncaring about my feelings about such a serious thing as personal safety and doesn't seem to see you as a married "unit."

One suggestion, a lesson I learned from personal experience -- if you DO decide to sell the house to him, be sure you keep it "arms length" as you would with any other purchaser. Make him get a new loan or whatever, but don't carry the paper yourself or you leave yourself open to his being able to jerk you around forever (i.e., what if he doesn't make promised payments to you and/or messes up the place or doesn't pay the property taxes). Just don't let yourself get put in that position, you could wind up with a lot of heartache, legal expenses and hassle, and financial loss.
 
Camper6 said:
Give it time. He will change his mind now that the seed has been planted.
Click to expand...
Seriously Camper?! Sounds like she's already given it enough time and he is standing firm on not wanting to move. Should the time come that she needs to sell the house because she's decided to move, with how the neighborhood is going down, she may take a big loss (or bigger loss) than she is likely to take today!
 
Someone mentioned accepting to live separately. I like that idea. My husband and I have separate apartments (long story) but we see each other almost daily. Truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way (another long story). Been there, done that...do not want to be in a 24/7 marriage (though we do not consider our marriage to be "part time")' I know of other people who have made it work as well and they are also happier for it. Also, since it IS your home, offering to sell it to him if he doesn't come around might be the way to go, as was also mentioned. If he can't buy it...Oh well...you've given him the chance. At our ages, life is becoming too short to live it in misery and to have to fear for our safety and sanity. That is very much an issue. If your resentment continues to fester, that can potentially kill your marriage. As i mentioned in a reply to someone else, the longer you wait to sell, the less your home will be valued at, so you may take a loss or big loss. I agree that there may be some underlying reason that hopefully you will get to the bottom of and move forward. Also....hopefully with your husband to your new home. Best of luck with this...it is quite a dilemma.
 
Peridot said:
Hello! Finally found a forum for seniors that I can relate to! I would really like to hear your views or suggestions on a dilemma I'm having. I hate our city, neighborhood, neighbors, house, etc. I bought our house 16 yrs ago when I was single. Met my husband shortly after that & have been married 5 years.

The neighborhood has changed; we have party people on one side of us who aren't taking care of their house so it's a mess, Section 8 neighbors on the other side who are quiet but don't take care of the property, Section 8 house across the street too and there have been times where the police have been called on them. I get weeds growing on our property from both sides so I have to take care of that.

We've put a lot of money into our house and it still needs a lot of work, around $25k for new kitchen, bath, driveway, hardwood floors refinished. I'm 62, hubby is 58.

There's a wonderful over 55 gated community, surrounded by woods, located in a nearby boro that has 450 manufactured homes, some with garages/carports that I've fallen in love with and recently took a tour of homes for sale. There are so many activities scheduled, a huge community center, absolutely beautiful. They don't have basements but that's ok, I want everything on one floor.

The management co. requires a criminal background check, all home owners must take care of their property so no issues there. I met some of the neighbors while touring and some are younger than me, all very very nice. I've talked to people who live there and they love it.

Here's the problem, my husband won't move there! I get every excuse you can think of! He has no place to put his gun safe, I tell him he can have the whole garage for his guns if he wants. He doesn't want to live with 'old' people. He doesn't want to live in a trailer. The square footage of the houses is the same as my house so there's plenty of room. He said he wants to stay where we are or move to another county.

At my age, I don't want to move far from family, travel far to work or start over again with a 30 yr mortgage. We've put so much money into our house and will never get that money out of it. I'm been trying to get him to move for years! He said if I move there, he'd buy the house from me and stay there, or move to an apartment. This is a big issue!

Every time something happens in the neighborhood, I say we're moving I hate it here. He says fine you move out, I'll stay here. Nothing that happens seems to phase him. I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I really some advice! TIA
Click to expand...

Wife and I are almost 70, married almost 16 years and we have absolutely no problem deciding to move back to a state we use to live in. What YOU have is a real marital problem, that I really don't think a Senior Forum can help you with. You need some professional help in your marriage, and if he says "absolutely not", you have even more of a problem and decisions to make.

All I can say is..........GOOD LUCK.
 
ClassicRockr said:
Wife and I are almost 70, married almost 16 years and we have absolutely no problem deciding to move back to a state we use to live in. What YOU have is a real marital problem, that I really don't think a Senior Forum can help you with. You need some professional help in your marriage, and if he says "absolutely not", you have even more of a problem and decisions to make......
Click to expand...

It's difficult to give advice to people with very different lives from yours but I tend to agree with this posting. You have a 'legitimate' (imho) difference in opinions, can't find a middle ground, and the forum really isn't going to help. You two will have to work it out.
I've had to give up ideas of moving to a state where I would like to live because DW and I both have family in the Chicago area. It's a compromise. But, it's not important enough for me to push for the argument of leaving everyone we know so I can live in the Pacific northwest. It's a old-married-couple discussion and compromise. We too are looking to sell the house in the coming years and move to a different suburb of Chicago, but we both pretty much agree on what we want in an apartment and location. In our opinion, we think it's foolish to live in a single family house when you're older. If something happens healthwise, and we need something like assisted living, being in an apartment gives us a quick option to move. Anyway, that's us.

I hope you can work something out for yourselves.
 
Peridot.I hope you are doing better with your problem. I mentioned before in an earlier post that I am in a similar situation except husband want to move and I don't. I finally gave in and we found a house and we make settlement next week. We have lived here for over 40 yrs and it's in the same neighborhood since I was born. The moving away isn't easy for me but I am trying to be positive about it. Now I try to concentrate on the good things like a one story house and being closer to my children. I wish you the very best on whatever decision you and your husband make.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top