Just senior humor

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From the Onion
BALTIMORE—According to a study released Wednesday by sociologists at Johns Hopkins University, an increasing number of parents across the country are relying on their own mothers and fathers to help them muck up their children. “As economic concerns prompt more parents to work longer hours, many are turning to grandparents to assist them in crushing their children’s self-esteem and shaping them into confused, maladjusted adults,” said lead author Dr. Janine Thompkins, who noted that four in 10 grandparents are currently the family’s primary insult-givers to children. “Parents like knowing that while they’re at work, a trusted family member is satisfactorily filling in for them by shouting at their kids in line at the pharmacy or criticizing their weight in front of their friends. And we found that, in most cases, children emerge just as mucked up and traumatized from a grandparent’s constant belittlement as compared to that from their own mother or father.” Researchers noted that many cash-strapped families are receiving added relief from subsidized child care programs, which allow parents to drop off young children at local community centers to be mucked up by underpaid, uninterested daycare workers.
​Some words have been edited to keep it clean!!
 
Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time.
One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Rodger died last week.
He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack
and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
________________________________________



A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes,
she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be.
A man in the waiting room, who had been watching her, said in amazement,
"My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?"
The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane."

_________________________________________________


An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband -
"I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
 
A senior couple pulls up to a rest stop to get something to eat.

Waiter: "How may I help you?"

Elderly Man: "Two hamburgers, please."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked what we wanted and I told him 'Two hamburgers'!"

Waiter: "So, where are you heading?"

Elderly Man: "To Chicago to see our grandchildren."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the grandkids!"

Waiter: "It sure is a nice day for a drive."

Elderly Man: "Yes, it's been quite pleasant."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He said it's good weather!"

Waiter: "Where are you coming from?"

Elderly Man: "We started our trip from Pittsburgh."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh!"

Waiter: "I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and couldn't cook if her life depended on it."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He says he knows you!"​
 
A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house; she approaches
him in a most provocative manner. "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar
bill all crumpled up?"
she asks in a soft sweet voice. Not knowing what to make of this
situation he replies "No." Pursing her lips she give him a sexy
little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a
crumpled twenty dollar bill.
Then stepping closer in she asks in a low sexy voice
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?"
Intrigued he answers "Uh, no."
She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches
into her panties and ever so slowly removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now" she says as she leans down and whispers "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars
all crumpled up?" Totally confused and excited he stammers "No-o-o-o-o."
"Well" she whispers in his ear, "then go look in the garage..."
 
> Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

> #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

> #8 Life is sexually transmitted.

> #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

> #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

> #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

> #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

> #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

> #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

> #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
 
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