Polyamory

JimBob1952

Senior Member
I just wanted to make clear I was thinking about me and no one else when I was posting about being judgemental..
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It's possible (I think) to be judgmental and yet take a "live and let live" attitude. For example, I don't smoke weed and don't find it interesting. But I think people who do smoke it have every right to do so.
 

drifter

Well-known Member
I guess I'm a little old fashioned. I did bump into it as a much younger man, but the whole idea turned me off. What they did
was entirely their business, but what I objected to was the attempt to bring others into togetherness. I suppose I was hasty but I dropped out of a circle of friends. I think that's when I took up golf. But dang, where are they now?
 

AnnieA

Senior Member
Location
Down South
I don’t care that much either. I’m not sure what exactly you thought I was getting at but i also have a wonderful marriage and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it.
Morals aside, I don’t have a clue about the character of such people. Since I thought the topic was about polygamy and I know someone who shared their experience about it, I thought I’d mention it. The person who shared this lifestyle shed a completely different perspective which was the furthest from promiscuous. I found the story very interesting.

Then again, why would I even answer such a topic? It must mean I have some type of interest and if I have such an interest that must mean I have no morals. If I have no morals that must mean I’m a ‘bad’ person.
A female bad person.


If I share joyous positive experiences , I’m considered a show off. If I offer an answer to a question , I’m considered a know-it-all. If I have a different point of view, Im considered aggressive. If I offer something unbelievable, I must be lying. If I offer kindness, I’m being pretentious or manipulative. If I offer humour, I’m considered anything from inappropriate to rude.

And heaven forbid if I ask someone a personal question via pm, that could be considered stalking by some. 🙄

Lately I don’t seem to be doing anything right so I think it’s time to say goodbye. I seem to rub people the wrong way and I don’t know how to be anyone else but my annoying self.

Maybe I just need a long break ……

Later boys & girls? Can I still use those terms?🤷‍♀️😎

(((Keesha))) :love: I think maybe you're misunderstood because you think independently. So many people are narrow-mindedly conservative or liberal and are threatened by that. Thank you for your 'Keesha' insights and I look forward to reading them again after your break.
 

AnnieA

Senior Member
Location
Down South
I still think jealousy could be a big problem with resultant hurt feelings but isn't that true of other situations as well.

That and other worries as well. I also worry about group permissibility when there are children and even older teens in the household with free sexual mores outside a committed couple (regardless of whether they're bio parents) raising children.

Sexual abuse of children in a traditional two parent home is often perpertrated as much by the denial of the passive parent that enables the active abuser. I wonder how the dynamics of that might be stronger if there's one adult abuser and several more adults in denial within a home? Also, it tends to be that the more adults involved in a 'family group' the more there's potential for other kinds of abuse. Think of fundamentalist Islam ...multiple wives who group think in parenting young girls to have no rights. Parenting negotiations aren't easy with two, and it seems logical that involving more people has the potential to complicate that further. Dunno if there's much research yet for the health of children in multi-parent homes in Western culture. There's reams and reams written about step-family issues; I wonder if a multi-adult romantic situation within one household might play the adults and children against each other in a similar fashion.
 

AnnieA

Senior Member
Location
Down South
In their thirties. Yes, I was wondering the same thing. What if this does not work out?

If there are no minor children involved, then I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like an unwise decision financially but people make those every day. I would advise that they try their sleeping arrangements for awhile before buying the house. The two who don't get an outer side to the bed aren't going to be comfortable.
 

Martha Ferris

New Member
Location
NYS
If there are no minor children involved, then I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like an unwise decision financially but people make those every day. I would advise that they try their sleeping arrangements for awhile before buying the house. The two who don't get an outer side to the bed aren't going to be comfortable.
As I said if someones actions don't interfere with the rights of others or hurt anything or anyone then what consenting adults do in private is none of my business. They have been together for a year. Still can't figure out the bed arrangement. Not my cup of tea.
 

AnnieA

Senior Member
Location
Down South
They have been together for a year. Still can't figure out the bed arrangement. Not my cup of tea

Sounds like they've worked it out then. Maybe they flip for turns for the two outer sides of the bed or determine it by who has to get up to pee in the night. The arrangement isn't my cup of tea either but as a very light sleeper with periodic insomnia, I do find the logistics interesting.

As for your consenting adults bit, I totally agree.
 

asp3

Senior Member
It will probably be no surprise to many people here that I am polyamorous. However I choose to live monogamously because that is what my wife wants. We did have an open relationship for a while, but she eventually wanted to close it again and we did.

I've known a lot of polyamorous people and they all have various levels of success in their relationships. There are many different types of polyamorous relationships that work for different people and groups of people.

The biggest difference (at least from the perspective of most of the poly community) between polyamory and swinging is that the focus on swinging is sex, whereas polyamory focuses on loving relationships that often include sexual intimacy but don't always include a sexual component.

I find nothing wrong with monogamy, but it isn't what I would strive for myself. However it does work well for most people and I would definitely say it's the default human relationship model.

Sometimes people do cheat in polyamorous relationships because they break a rule agreed upon by their partner or partners. It's just like cheating in a monogamous relationship where one has pledge to remain faithful to one's partner.

I haven't been active in the poly community for years but was fairly deeply immersed in it in the mid to late 90's. Just as people with other shared interests meet for potlucks, conferences, parties, etc... that's what the folks I knew did. I'm sure some people envision such meetings as the lead up to indulgent orgies, but I haven't seen that happen.

I just wish I'd known about successful poly relationships in my late teens or early 20's. I'd have understood that the kind of relationships that I desired were possible and that the standard monogamous coupling was only one option for living one's life.
 

Serenity4321

Member
Location
Florida
It will probably be no surprise to many people here that I am polyamorous. However I choose to live monogamously because that is what my wife wants. We did have an open relationship for a while, but she eventually wanted to close it again and we did.

I've known a lot of polyamorous people and they all have various levels of success in their relationships. There are many different types of polyamorous relationships that work for different people and groups of people.

The biggest difference (at least from the perspective of most of the poly community) between polyamory and swiThank you
Thank you for sharing..I am very curious about it and totally non-judgmental. I have a question though..I do not understand what is the purpose of getting married if one is committed to polyamory?? Seems that means they want to have more than one 'significant other'.
Seems to me unless children are involved there is no point? I have always thought faithfulness was a given commitment in marriage.. though we all know that is often not the case. So then why marry?
 

asp3

Senior Member
Thank you for sharing..I am very curious about it and totally non-judgmental. I have a question though..I do not understand what is the purpose of getting married if one is committed to polyamory?? Seems that means they want to have more than one 'significant other'.
Seems to me unless children are involved there is no point? I have always thought faithfulness was a given commitment in marriage.. though we all know that is often not the case. So then why marry?

There are two types of marriages, legal ones that bestow individuals with certain rights to the two people in the marriage. Then there are ones that I don't really have a name for. It's similar to the religious portion of a marriage for those in traditional marriages. It binds the two people (in the case of a traditional marriage) together through their shared beliefs in marriage (often joining in the eyes of their creator.)

I've known several poly people and groups who've had "joining" ceremonies to add another person to their group and/or to join together a member of a group with someone else. It really depends on the dynamic and structure of the poly relationships the people share.

I think that many people like to have some sort of commitment to others either individually or as a group and that is why some polyamorous people have marriage like rituals and relationships even though they have multiple relationships.

One common poly model is for a person to have one primary relationship and one or more secondary relationships. This is the model I would gravitate towards if I were to be poly again. In this case my marriage to my wife is important because that is my primary relationship. I wouldn't necessarily feel compelled to have any sort of formalized relationship with a secondary, but would consider doing so if that is what the secondary wanted. Of course my wife would have to agree that our primary relationship would allow formalized secondary relationships.
 

Aunt Marg

Granny Pantie Power!
I think it's ok to discuss this?? If not I have no problem having a manager delete the thread.
This came up a few weeks ago ..a friend of mine told me her daughter is involved with the polyamory crowd. I didn't know what that meant and was shocked and surprised once I researched the practice. I do not know anyone who is polyamorous but it seems some kids in their 20, 30, 40s think it is a good idea and seem to cite the divorce rate as one solution to the problems in marriage. Apparently single, engaged, married people are all involved.
I keep seeing the jealousy factor and resultant hurt as the main problems but then if it is by mutual consent are those risks 'worth it' to some?

The concept is really strange to me but as I kept thinking about it, I started to wonder if it is possible there could be benefits??? Personally I would never be involved but maybe that is a result of the norms of my generation. I keep thinking since it is mutual consent, does it have advantages?
Obviously, anyone who is very religious will see it as totally wrong.
LOL I have kiddingly said polygamy sounds good..If I had several husbands, depending on my mood, I could spend time with whichever 'suited my fancy' at the time 😃
Would love to hear opinions, thoughts ideas...

In case you are not familiar with this ...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved.[
I'm super old-school/old-fashioned, so am 100% against such.

In my mind I think... why get married. If people want to just play around their entire lives then stay single.
 

Sunny

SF VIP
Location
Maryland
One common poly model is for a person to have one primary relationship and one or more secondary relationships. This is the model I would gravitate towards if I were to be poly again. In this case my marriage to my wife is important because that is my primary relationship. I wouldn't necessarily feel compelled to have any sort of formalized relationship with a secondary, but would consider doing so if that is what the secondary wanted. Of course my wife would have to agree that our primary relationship would allow formalized secondary relationships.
Asp, have you seen the TV series Big Love? I don't remember which channel showed it, maybe HBO. It's about a Mormon family in Utah with an arrangement similar to what you describe in the above paragraph. The man has three wives, each in her own house, but the houses are all next door to each other in a lovely suburban community. The first wife (the first one he married) has a sort of "head wife" status. The wives are all friends, in fact they call each other "sister wives." The guy takes turns spending nights with the various wives. Their "arrangement" is kept secret from the neighbors.

Of course, this being a TV series, they make it more interesting by having one of them the daughter of a cult leader where polygamy is carried to extremes, including child brides. I don;t remember too much more about the series, it was a while back. Maybe it's streaming on one of the channels.
 

Chris P Bacon

Member
Location
Columbus Ohio
Those poor kids will be screwed up for life.

Lots of today’s kids (and yesterday’s kids too) were or are “screwed up for life” by parents in monagamous relationships. If nothing ever changes, including the way that people relate to one another, then nothing ever will change. Polyamory basically means - many loves, not unlimited sexual adventures. The focus seems to be merely on the sexual aspect and not on the loving parts that can be there. I don’t see more love in this world as a bad thing at all, let alone something that might screw things up from what they already are.
 

asp3

Senior Member
Asp, have you seen the TV series Big Love? I don't remember which channel showed it, maybe HBO. It's about a Mormon family in Utah with an arrangement similar to what you describe in the above paragraph. The man has three wives, each in her own house, but the houses are all next door to each other in a lovely suburban community. The first wife (the first one he married) has a sort of "head wife" status. The wives are all friends, in fact they call each other "sister wives." The guy takes turns spending nights with the various wives. Their "arrangement" is kept secret from the neighbors.

Of course, this being a TV series, they make it more interesting by having one of them the daughter of a cult leader where polygamy is carried to extremes, including child brides. I don;t remember too much more about the series, it was a while back. Maybe it's streaming on one of the channels.

I haven't seen that one but I have seen some episodes of sister wives. That seems more like polygamy as opposed to polyamory. Polyamory generally allows for any of the people within a group to have multiple relationships. There is one form called Polyfidelity where the group must decide whether or not to allow another person or persons into the group and all people within the group only have relationships within the group.

I've met people with many types of relationships. I've met Polygyny groups where the woman has relationships with multiple men who do not have relationships with any other women or men. I've met poly couples who are both bi and each have secondary relationships with people of any gender identification they're attracted to.

The key to having successful poly relationships is well understood and accepted relationship agreements and the ability to communicate about one's needs and desires and those of others in the same relationship or outside relationships. I've generally found that communication in poly relationships is somewhat better than standard monogamous relationships because there isn't a general agreed upon understanding of what the relationship is. However I've also definitely seen poly relationships blow up due to bad communication.
 

asp3

Senior Member
I'm super old-school/old-fashioned, so am 100% against such.

In my mind I think... why get married. If people want to just play around their entire lives then stay single.

When you say you're 100% against does that just mean it isn't for you or do you think others should be prevented from having poly relationships?

Having or wanting a committed long term relationship to one person does not preclude one from having other relationships as well as long as both people in the committed relationship agree that outside relationships are acceptable. I can see it might seem like wanting one's cake and eating it too for you.

Once again the reasons for getting married can be legal and/or financial. Sometimes the primary couple limits procreation to themselves in which case it's helpful to be married for the status of one's children.
 

Aunt Marg

Granny Pantie Power!
When you say you're 100% against does that just mean it isn't for you or do you think others should be prevented from having poly relationships?

Having or wanting a committed long term relationship to one person does not preclude one from having other relationships as well as long as both people in the committed relationship agree that outside relationships are acceptable. I can see it might seem like wanting one's cake and eating it too for you.

Once again the reasons for getting married can be legal and/or financial. Sometimes the primary couple limits procreation to themselves in which case it's helpful to be married for the status of one's children.
I'm against it all the way around.

I think for the most part older people like myself do not approve of such lifestyles, especially those like myself with traditional values.
 

asp3

Senior Member
I'm against it all the way around.

I think for the most part older people like myself do not approve of such lifestyles, especially those like myself with traditional values.

So do you think that people should be prevented from living their lives in ways you don't agree with? That is how I'm reading what you wrote but I want to be sure I am understanding you correctly.
 

Aunt Marg

Granny Pantie Power!
So do you think that people should be prevented from living their lives in ways you don't agree with? That is how I'm reading what you wrote but I want to be sure I am understanding you correctly.
You're reading my words correct.

I didn't say people should be prevented from living their lives in ways I don't agree with, I simply find the lifestyle disgusting being the old-fashioned traditionalist that I am.
 

Elsie

Member
Thank you for sharing..I am very curious about it and totally non-judgmental. I have a question though..I do not understand what is the purpose of getting married if one is committed to polyamory?? Seems that means they want to have more than one 'significant other'.
Seems to me unless children are involved there is no point? I have always thought faithfulness was a given commitment in marriage.. though we all know that is often not the case. So then why marry?
Exactly!!!!!!! I'd love to hear from many who have been into polyamory or into polygamy for awhile if they have deep down fully honest satisfaction from that life style.
 


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