The jokes only thread....

A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn’t stop at the stop sign.
“It’s the same thing,” the lawyer stated, “I don’t believe there is a difference
between stop and slow down.”
“Allow me to prove it to you,” the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step
out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton.
After a lot of pain that the lawyer endured, the policeman asked him,
“Now do you want me to stop, or slow down?”
 

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune.
So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me!"
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said!..
"You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois!"
She sat back down and thought about it.

She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle!"
The nun said to herself. "I I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
She sat down again. From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said! "This is incredible. I've got to try it again!"
Back to the machine.
She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said........
"You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind!"
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong!
"I never broke wind in public a day in my life!"
Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself.....
"This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again!"
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!" 🤣🤣
 
A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.

He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."

"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.

"Here it comes... THR..."

He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"

The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."
 
When my wife and I got married,
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most
like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other
wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!).
For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed.
So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.
 
Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house:
At full time Paddy gets up to go home, but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Paddy." Says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.
Mick says. "What the Heck happened to you?"
Paddy replies. "I went home for my pajamas." 😂😂
 
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were good friends. Larry was a nice, law abiding, charitable crustacean. Sam was on most days a dirt bag bivalve. Well, Sam gets his and winds up way downstairs. A few years later Larry passes on and arrives at the Pearly Gates. Because he was such a good guy, not only is he given the standard equipment - wings, halo, harp -, he's granted one wish. He decides he'd like most of all to see his old friend, Sam, again. Hey presto, he's in hell where he meets Sam who is running a disco. They spend the day together, then Larry goes back to heaven. When he arrives at the Gates, St Pete asks him, "Larry, haven't you forgotten something?" Larry answers, "Oh goodness, I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco."
 
Tyler and his wife Kallie go to Las Vegas. They get to their room and they find a
card for a prostitute. Kallie cannot believe it and wants to see if the prostitute
will really come. Tyler calls the number on the card and says "Can you come to
Trump Hotel, room 1445?"
An hour later they hear a knock on the door and Kallie hides in the bathroom.
A woman comes in and says "Hi. My name is Destiny."
Tyler asks her "How much do you charge?"
The prostitute replies "$500 per hour."
Tyler says "I was thinking more around $25" and the prostitute looks at him disguised and walks out.
Later Tyler and Kallie are at the bar getting drinks and Destiny walks up to Tyler and
says "See, that's what $25 gets you!"
 
I drove by the fire station yesterday.
They had a big public-awareness sign outside that read: "Are Your House Numbers Visible?"
I thought, "Who the hell cares? Why don't they just stop at the house that's on fire?"
 
A minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendants started taking orders for drinks.

The hillbilly asked for a whiskey & soda which was brought & placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
"He replied in disgust: "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant & said, "Hell, me too! I didn't know we had a choice."
 
(The maid has just asked for a raise)

Mrs. Smith: "Why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maid: "I have three reasons. The first is that I cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith: "Who told you that?"
Maid: "Your husband did. The second reason is that I clean better than you do."
Mrs. Smith: "Who told you that?"
Maid: "Your husband did. The final reason is that I am better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith: "I suppose my husband said that too?!"
Maid: "No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith: "How much do you want?"
 
A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband,
"Maybe you should get some pills to help you out." He agrees.
When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills.
He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her
a bottle of diet pills.

And that is how the fight started.
 
Thomas was out of work with the flu for a couple of weeks.
When he gets back to work his friend Joe asks him,
"Hey, are you doing okay?"
Thomas replies, "It was the best!"
Joe replies, "What? Weren't you sick?"
"My wife truly loves me," Thomas explains,
"Every time a delivery guy or the mailman came to the door she would run to the door yelling,
'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
 

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