The jokes only thread....

A mother takes her three sons to enroll in school. The teacher asks.
Teacher: What are your son’s names?
Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name.
Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same?
Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin.
Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?
Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.
 
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Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.



A Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Beretta Pistol:
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with

a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must

have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber

pistol with me, I would not be here today!



Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus
 
My friend Jack Hughes went to France, but whenever he introduced himself to people they got all defensive.”



“During an interview recently the journalist asked if I minded her using a recorder. I said that was fine, and then she started playing Three Blind Mice.”
 
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.


During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.



The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made


arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years,

Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community,

and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact, had done much of the work
himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop

which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

_________________
 
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck

After 6 children, this started to get expensive, & the congregation decided to hold another meeting, to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling & inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair, and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain's also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers" The entire congregation said, "Amen."[/ISPOILER]
 
Why God Created Eve


10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.



9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.



8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.



7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.



6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.



5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.



4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn't have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.



3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.



2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"



And the #1 reason why God created Eve:



1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
 
A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a
song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer
says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly miss dialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.

"No," he says, "but it's better than average.
 
A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”
 
Three guys frequent a Chinese restaurant. They constantly give the poor waiter a hard time – demanding water & tea refills every few minutes, hardly spending any money, making a big mess at the table, making fun of the waiter’s Chinese accent & never leaving a tip.
The waiter never complains.
Finally, after many such visits, one of the jerks says to the waiter: “We feel bad about how we’ve been treating you, so from now on we’re going to respect you & today, we’re even going to leave you a big tip.
“Ah, wonderful,” says the waiter. “Now I can stop pissing in your tea.”
 
Three psychiatrists are talking about their jobs.
One says: "People are always coming to us with their problems, but we have no one to go to with our own problems. Since we are all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"
The first psychiatrist says: "I'm a compulsive shopper & I'm deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."
The second psychiatrist says: "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently write false prescriptions for my patients so I can get the drugs."
The third psychiatrist says: "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
 
A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
 
Sassycakes said:
Why God Created Eve


10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.



9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.



8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.



7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.



6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.



5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.



4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn't have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.



3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.



2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"



And the #1 reason why God created Eve:



1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Click to expand...

Eve was near perfect - - then God put a mouth on her and ruined the whole thing.
(Drop the knife - this was not from me, I read it someplace.)
 
Think about it......

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe."
 
It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Sue. Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby tells him that they'll probably go to the park or to the cinema. Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes," he replies. "Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
 
One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
1. Husband was talking to his friend and said
I divorced my wife on the 1st night.
Friend: Why?
Husband, I saw the label on her panties, “Tested OK by Mafatlal & Sons.”

2. Husband: Bill my wife is very scared of water.
Bill: How did you know?
Husband: Twice when I got home I saw her having a bath with the security guard.

3. The Nurse was taking a blood sample from Joe. She held his finger and squeezed for the blood. So Joe laughed.
Nurse: Why did you laugh?
Joe: After this, it is the urine test right?

4. Husband & wife having dinner together.
Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.
Husband: Your Boobs are better than your sister’s!

5. On the first night of the marriage the husband gives the wife $500. and says
“I have never done this for free.”
The wife returns $200. and says “I have not charged more than this
before'
 
Four Catholic Men And A Catholic Woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the
Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24″ waist, and 34” hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh – My – God.”
 

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