The jokes only thread....

One day a friend asked Fred,

“Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied,

“Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says,

“I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says,

“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers,

“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Fred replied,

“My father can't stand her.”
 
A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

she turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy’s Harley, then as a little boy, I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I’ve been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker.”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.”

Then she got up and left
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”

Then he replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian!
 
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home... And left it there all night. You gotta love Frank!
 
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Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. “One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No, five pounds!” he’d say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. “One and fifty pounds!” He’d yell back, “no, five pounds!” One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker’s corner, Prince Charles realized she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; “See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!”
 
A mother was cleaning her ten-year-old son's bedroom one day when she found an adult bondage magazine under his mattress. She was mortified. She put the dirty magazine back under the mattress, thinking that she would show her husband when he got home from work. A few hours later when he got home, she led him to their son's bedroom, pulled out the magazine, and showed it to him. He opened the magazine, slowly flicked through the pages - his eyes wide. He handed the magazine back to her without a word. So she asked him, "What the heck should we do?" The dad paused, cleared his throat, and said, "I'm no expert, but I don't think you should spank him!" ------------------------------
 
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together...

... I realized, after all this time, that I had never taken my son out for a drink.

So off we went to our local bar, which was only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness.

He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Killian’s.

He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

Losing hope, I ordered him a Harp Lager.

Nope, he didn’t like that either.

I drank it.

I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s.

Nope, no cigar!

In desperation, I had him try that 25-year-old Glenfiddich -- The bar’s finest scotch.

He wouldn’t even smell it.

What could I do but drink it?

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink,...



I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!
 
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The Blonde Save The Day?


It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it:
A – Robin
B – Sparrow
C – Cuckoo
D – Thrush

Remember Barbara – its worth $1 million dollars.”

“I think I know who it… I’m not 100%… no, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.”

Regis: “Yes. Who, Barbara, do you want to phone?”

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (a blonde): “Hello…”

Regis: “Hello Maggie, it's Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to get to a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and only 1 correct answer. You have 30 seconds to reply — fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
Is it:
A- Robin
B- Sparrow
C- Cuckoo
D- Thrush

Maggie: “Oh gees, Barbara that’s simple…It’s a cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: “Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with c-cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said c-cuckoo…you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara!”

That night Barbara called round to Maggie and brought her down to a local bar for a celebratory drink and, as they were sipping their champagne, Barbara turned to Maggie and asked: “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
 
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."🍒
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry🍒 tree."
 
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows."

"When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey'
and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows,
the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says,...

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish,
serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God
your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom swallows hard, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes."

He then leans toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal?!"

The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers,

The bride made me a better offer she gave me $300.00 dollars.
 
Groan......
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? " "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning. " The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00. "
 
One sunshiny day Mrs Snake was going to clean out her pit. All the little snakes were hissing around in the pit. She said go outside and hiss so I can clean. They hiss around a while and come back saying Mama we need to come in the pit and hiss. She said I’ve about got this pit all cleaned up. Go over to Mrs Potts pit and hiss. They go over and say Mrs Potts can we come in your pit and hiss. She said no I’ve been cleaning my pit all day. Go home and hiss in your own pit. They went home and said Mama , Mrs Potts said we can’t hiss in her pit. Mrs Snake said Well the very idea. I can remember when the Potts didn’t have a pit to hiss in.
 
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