The jokes only thread....

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth
The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.
The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to feeling pain like this, even a small amount of it could knock you out. We will start with 10%"
The man agrees, sits beside his wife and the first contractions begin. The woman screams in agony while the machine starts its work and the scientist sets it to 10%. "Do you feel a difference?", they ask the woman, and she nods. "It got slightly less painful!"
The man clenches his fists and his teeth to prepare for the pain but seems to handle it quite well. "Are you alright?" "Yes, I'm fine. Increase the pain transfer, I want to support my wife as good as possible!" So they increase it to 25%. The next wave of pain arrives and the mother screams again, but not as hard as the first time. The husband, still clenching his fists, instructs the scientists to increase the percentage even more. "I can take it, please make that my wife feels less pain!" The scientists agree and increase it to 50%.
The woman almost seems relaxed during the next few contractions, only making light sounds of discomfort, while the man is highly concentrated, breathing steadily. "I'm a very tough man, increase it to 100% please!" he asks the scientists. "But sir, such high amounts of pain can kill you!" "I'm absolutely sure, I can handle it. Please, I want to make this completely painless for my wife"
They increase the machine to 100%, and the wife is now completely relaxed while her body does all the work without a trace of pain, while the man's head turns red, and his knuckles turn white. "See I can handle it", he says stoicly.
4 hours later the baby is born, a healthy baby girl. The wife is very happy with the procedure having felt no pain for most of the time, the husband proclaims he's probably the toughest man in the world and that he felt not that much pain, being a real man, and so on. The machine is celebrated as the great invention of making the fathers part of the birth. Husband and Wife take their newborn baby back to their house.
hours later the baby is born, a healthy baby girl. The wife is very happy with the procedure having felt no pain for most of the time, the husband proclaims he's probably the toughest man in the world and that he felt not that much pain, being a real man, and so on. The machine is celebrated as a great invention of making the fathers part of the birth. Husband and Wife take their newborn baby back to their house.

In front of their door lies the mailman on the ground, dead.
 

Sassycakes said:
Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth
The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.
The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to feeling pain like this, even a small amount of it could knock you out. We will start with 10%"
The man agrees, sits beside his wife and the first contractions begin. The woman screams in agony while the machine starts its work and the scientist sets it to 10%. "Do you feel a difference?", they ask the woman, and she nods. "It got slightly less painful!"
The man clenches his fists and his teeth to prepare for the pain but seems to handle it quite well. "Are you alright?" "Yes, I'm fine. Increase the pain transfer, I want to support my wife as good as possible!" So they increase it to 25%. The next wave of pain arrives and the mother screams again, but not as hard as the first time. The husband, still clenching his fists, instructs the scientists to increase the percentage even more. "I can take it, please make that my wife feels less pain!" The scientists agree and increase it to 50%.
The woman almost seems relaxed during the next few contractions, only making light sounds of discomfort, while the man is highly concentrated, breathing steadily. "I'm a very tough man, increase it to 100% please!" he asks the scientists. "But sir, such high amounts of pain can kill you!" "I'm absolutely sure, I can handle it. Please, I want to make this completely painless for my wife"
They increase the machine to 100%, and the wife is now completely relaxed while her body does all the work without a trace of pain, while the man's head turns red, and his knuckles turn white. "See I can handle it", he says stoicly.
4 hours later the baby is born, a healthy baby girl. The wife is very happy with the procedure having felt no pain for most of the time, the husband proclaims he's probably the toughest man in the world and that he felt not that much pain, being a real man, and so on. The machine is celebrated as the great invention of making the fathers part of the birth. Husband and Wife take their newborn baby back to their house.
hours later the baby is born, a healthy baby girl. The wife is very happy with the procedure having felt no pain for most of the time, the husband proclaims he's probably the toughest man in the world and that he felt not that much pain, being a real man, and so on. The machine is celebrated as a great invention of making the fathers part of the birth. Husband and Wife take their newborn baby back to their house.

In front of their door lies the mailman on the ground, dead.
Click to expand...
Ha ha ... Didn't see that coming.
 
So this Zen disciple decides to move to a remote village to learn the coveted skill of being able to walk on water. He practices day and night using his mind over matter focus. After quite some time, he masters the skill. Then one day he sees the Zen Master walking along the other side of the river, so he steps out onto the water and slowly makes his way across to the Zen Master. Having reached the other side, he stands there proudly in front of the master. The master seems unmoved, but asks him how long it took him to learn to walk on water. Twenty-seven years was the reply. The master looked at him and said: "You're an idiot. For a dollar you could have taken the ferry".
 

Three rednecks are stumbling home late one night and
are on the Old Road that led past the old struggling graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave,
God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith.
It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when
he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the gravestone
and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
 

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”​

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you can not wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
 
What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
*****************************************

How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist
*********************************************************

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
 
Sassycakes said:
What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
*****************************************

How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist
*********************************************************

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
Click to expand...
As usual, hilarious stuff.
 
The men die and arrive at the Gates and the Guy says, to get in you have to pass a test.
The three of them agree.
1. how do you spell God.
2. how do you spell Jesus.
3. How do you spell Up-a-satha Pass-a-solida
And the Gates open up to Hell.
 

The Alternative Healer​

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,
"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"
The healer replies,
"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."
The man replies,
"Oh, I don't believe in that astrology stuff".
The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".
 

A poor man​

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas.
So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned.
As he approached his house he got stunned by the luxurious and rich look of the house.
He knocked on the door, and the servant opened it.
“Is the housewife in?” he asked.
The servant replied: “Just a moment.”
The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, and found people walking with no underwear and sleeping on sand …
so I began to sell underwear and beds.
Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…I got REAL rich.
 
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”
the next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened.
“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.
The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“The nerve of him! So, what kind of cake did you bake?” asks the husband.

*“What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"*
 
The new owner and CEO takes over at a struggling Social Media.
He has to decide who has to go. In the office tour the CEO notices a guy
leaning on a wall, he walks up to the guy and asks, "Why are you standing here?"
"I'm waiting to get paid." Furious, Owner asks, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why do you ask?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200
and says, "Heres four weeks pay, now get out right now and don't come back."
The young man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out of the office.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks,
"Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room
comes a loud voice, "Yes, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
 
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
 

Joke Of Today: 10 Times Married And Still a Virgin..​

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.


On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him!

But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed.”
 
"When life first began there was "Dog eat Dog."
The strongest survived was survivals law.
Then along came Politicians and complete chaos.
It took engineering to create some semblance of order in chaos.
Doctors were trained to help the Nurses fix stuff.
Mothers got jobs to support families.
Everyone went deep into debt.
Taxes were dreamed up to fix the Chaos.
Digital money fixed shortages.
Warehouses fixed supplies.
Drones fixed deliveries.
But still nothing changed.
Its still "Dog eat Dog."
 
The Elderly couple are sitting on their porch swing. She says, "I want a Banana split with Chocolate, nuts, Cherries & whipped cream on it. Shall I write that down?" "No," he says. "I will get you a Banana split with Chocolate, nuts, cherries and whipped cream on it." He leaves and returns sometime later with a greasy bag and 4 bagels. She says, "you forgot the cheese."
 

A 10-year-old protestant boy and a 10-year-old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.
The girl says, "My mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.

They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy "says well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants"
And so they remove their pants.

Once they ensure that every item of clothing is out of harm's way... they take a good look at each other.

"Strange", the girl says, "I didn't think Protestants and Catholics were THAT different​

 
Last edited:
Sassycakes said:

A 10-year-old protestant boy and a 10-year-old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.​

The girl says, "My mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"​

And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.​

​

They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy "says well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants"​

And so they remove their pants.​

​

Once they ensure that every item of clothing is out of harm's way... they take a good look at each other.​

​

"Strange", the girl says, "I didn't think Protestants and Catholics were THAT different​

Click to expand...
He was probably reciting some "Hail Marys" in his head.
 
Deep within a forest a little turtle names Archie climbs a tree.
After hours of effort Lil Archie reached the top, jumped into the air.
Lil Archie waves his front legs frantically and crashes to the ground.
So, after some time recovering, Lil Archie slowly climbs the tree and
jumps, waves his front legs frantically and falls to the ground.
Well Lil Archie tries again and again while a couple of birds perched
on a branch watch his efforts. Finally, the female bird turns to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell Lil Archie he's adopted.”
 
The blonde enters a restaurant with a carton
of orange juice shortly before breakfast.
She puts the orange juice on the table and
stares at it. Hours pass, lunch time passes.
The Afternoon drags along, Dinner Time comes
and is past. The store is about to close for the night and
the blonde is still staring at the orange juice.
A waiter comes and asks the blonde,
"Excuse me, we are about to close for the evening,
I'm afraid your going to have to leave."
"No," the blonde replies.
"Why not?" questions the waiter.
"The carton says 'concentrate'".
 
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