The jokes only thread....

A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks
how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine,
I need a seven-ten cap for my car." The Parts man asks," A seven-ten cap?
Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?"
The blonde replies, "It goes on top of the engine and
don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!"
Perplexed, the parts guy asks if she would write it down for him and
maybe help him in figuring out what it is she needs.
710 .......... OIL .....😎
 

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A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how
did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty. “Simple,” grins the millionaire,
“I faked my age.' His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
'Well,' he replied, 'I said I was 87!'
 
Guy's sitting in a bar with his buddy. He looked over at an attractive woman and
says to his friend, “I’m gonna go over there and get to know her some!”
So, he goes over to her and says, “Hi! What’s your name?”
She looks up at him and says, “My name is Carmen.”
“Oh,” he says, “That sounds like an old family name,
like your grandmother or an aunt?” “No,” she says, “I gave myself that name.
I named myself after my two favorite things in the world –
cars and men! What’s your name?”
He thinks for a moment and says, "Hi, I'm Golf Boobs!"
 

The Old Geezer is married to a young Hottie. After a while & very happy marriage, he has a heart attack.
The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.
So, he and his Hottie discuss the matter and decide that they should sleep in separate rooms.
He in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks of this,
he decides that life without sex isn't worth living. So he heads upstairs. He meet his wife on the staircase and says,
"I'm coming up to die." His Hottie laughs and replies, "I'm coming down to kill you!"
 
Rob is standing over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up,
looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asks, “What the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained.
“I want to hit a perfect shot.” “Good lord!” his companion exclaimed.
“You don’t have a chance of hitting her from here.”
 

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

The doctor looks at it and says, “Yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “Why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “Do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says, “No.”

Doc asks, “Any chemicals or solvents?”

Guy says, “No doc, I don’t even have a job, all I ever do is sit around watching pornos and eating Cheetos.”
 
"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm at work."

"So wait... That means that man wasn't you?"

"What man?'

"I'm confused, sir. One hour ago I saw your wife crossing the gates accompanied by a gentleman. I saw it through the second-floor window, so I couldn't quite make up his face, although I assumed it was you, sir, since they... Oh, dear... Since they gave a passionate kiss..."

"WHAT? Where are they now?!"

" I heard steps heading to... The bedroom, sir."

"You mean to tell me that just as we speak my wife is in the bedroom with another man?!"

"Sir, I don't what to tell you! I frankly thought it was you! I would never imagine that ma'am could do such a thing with you... I'm sorry for being the one that has to tell you..."

The maid hears her boss dropping the phone as he mutters and swears out loud. After some seconds, he finally pulls himself together and picks up the phone again:

"Listen carefully. By the time I'm here, that dog might have been gone. So I need you to do something. You must grab a knife from the kitchen and kill those bastards. It won't be hard, they will never see it coming from you."

"Sir! I can't do that!'

"I'll pay you 10 thousand dollars. Have we got a deal?"

The maid thinks about how much use she would have for that amount of money, so she ends up accepting the offer. The boss decides to keep up the call until she's finished. She picks up the biggest knife in the drawer and silently heads toward the bedroom. She opens the door. The lights are off, and she can only see the silhouette of a couple making passionate love. They both turn at her in surprise, but she quickly gives a stab wound on each one, ending their lives. As their bleeding bodies taint the bed, she reports back to her boss at the phone:

"I did it, sir. They're dead."

"Good job. I'll give you the payment as soon as I'm home."

"What will we do with the bodies?"

"I'll put them on my trunk and dispose of them in a safe place. Just put them next to the pool for now."

"Uh... Sir, we don't have a pool."

"Yes, we have. What are you talking about?"

"Sir, I've been working here for three years, I never saw any pool."

"What? You've been working here for just two... Wait a minute..."

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I called the wrong number

 
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had the urge to stick his p*nis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p*nis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
 
The guy is driving to work when he realizes he has left his wallet and Cell at home.
So, he turns around and goes back home to retrieve them. Upon arriving home,
he rushes to the Bedroom to see his hottie Wife standing there holding his Wallet and
Cell. Guy says how much today honey. She removes several bills and says,
"the Usual, 2 gallons of milk & a dozen eggs.
 
Guy has a terrible problem, his eyes seem to be bulging out of his head.
So, he goes to the Dr. about his problem. Well.. after the exam the Dr.
Says, "you will need surgery to relieve the problem."
Well, the guy thinks a bit and then responds, " I need some time to
figure this out." Dr. says, "sure it's a big decision to have to make."
Guy leaves and then decides to get some new clothes to help him
think. So, he stops at the Clothing store and says, I want to by new
clothes, everything but I'm not completely sure of the sizes. So the
Taylor says, XL long sleeve shirt, 36x34 jeans, size 12 shoes and
XL skivvies. Guys says, "sounds about right except for the shorts."
"I have always worn Mediums." Taylor says, "But that would make
your eyes bulge right out of your head!"
 

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?​

No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three b**..., reached into her bra, and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said Look in the garage.
 
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A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you she wanted a Jewish bra
and you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests
for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra,
or the Salvation Army bra; or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports
the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps
them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said:
Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills.
 
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying. “No.” Every day she
would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.
When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said.
“You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition.”
Dolly was so excited!
“Anything you want, honey!”
“Well.” He began.
“When you grow hair on your chest, I’ll buy you that living room.”
“Grow hair on my chest?”
Dolly was devastated.
“How am I going to do that?”
Her husband just smiled and went off to work.
Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him.
Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed.
“Honey.” She trilled. “I ordered my living room set this afternoon!”
“You did?” Her husband stammered.
“You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!”
“I sure do!” She replied.
“No way! Let me see it.” Replied her husband.
“OK!” She said as she lifted up her skirt.
“There it is!” She pointed to her privates.
“HONEY! That is not your chest!”
“Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your ‘hope’ chest. Since we’ve been
married it’s been your ‘tool’ chest. And if I don’t get my living room set, it’s going to be the ‘community’ chest!”
 
Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way
to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private
McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
 
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henny Youngman
**************************************
Who's marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success? Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman." — Erma Bombeck
 
Prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband,
I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.
When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner,
knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden.
That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received
another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe
what happened, some men came with shovels to the house and
dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
 

Talking dog for sale​


A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar,he never did any of that
 
You know two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
Father takes his young 9-year-old son to play golf at the exclusive Club...
“I would like two rounds of golf for me and my son, please.” the Club Pro Says,
"The Boy is too young to play golf here, he should go to the Mini Golf side."
“I bet you that he can play better than you and if so, we get to play for free,” the father says.
“Okay, let me watch him Tee off.” the pro said.
On the first tee, the Boy gets set. He drives the ball straight down the middle 225 yards.
Shocked, the pro says, “Well it looks like he can play, so go ahead.”
The pro walks back toward the 19th hole, then turns and asks, “By the way, how does he putt?”
Father replies, “Just like he drives.”
 

Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.​

The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."
The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I burned them."
The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
 
Question: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

Answer: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
***********************************************


Question: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Answer: “Beat it. We’re closed.”
**********************************


Question: Why is sex like math?

Answer: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.
 
Is a people trap operated by a mouse at Wonder World ?
Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your Anus?
 

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