Why get remarried?

I haven't been widowed very long, 4 years, but I have had the option to marry again twice. Once almost did happen. I decided to not marry and stay friends only because of money, and my ways went against his ways. I am satisfied to live alone and go places like friends houses and play cards, go to church events, and the sort. I have many, many friends and am very active. I just cannot live together and do the married thing outside of marriage. The same issues come up even inside of marriage. If I don't want to be alone, I go to a senior center, volunteer, line dance, serve at my church, etc. And when I am sick, I have people that check on me, call me. So, I just don't want the caregiver title anymore. Lots of hard work, stress, and I don't need that in my later years. Plus, if I want to go on a trip, or anything, no one to consider but myself.
 

I haven't been widowed very long, 4 years, but I have had the option to marry again twice. Once almost did happen. I decided to not marry and stay friends only because of money, and my ways went against his ways. I am satisfied to live alone and go places like friends houses and play cards, go to church events, and the sort. I have many, many friends and am very active. I just cannot live together and do the married thing outside of marriage. The same issues come up even inside of marriage. If I don't want to be alone, I go to a senior center, volunteer, line dance, serve at my church, etc. And when I am sick, I have people that check on me, call me. So, I just don't want the caregiver title anymore. Lots of hard work, stress, and I don't need that in my later years. Plus, if I want to go on a trip, or anything, no one to consider but myself.
OK! That's it! I was gonna beg for your hand but you are now outta luck!!
 
Only reason I married was to have kids. After that, and two divorces, no way, Jose! The gf and I have been together for fourteen years. She has her stuff, I have mine. Never, again, going to let the State tell me how I have to live my life in a relationship, or distribute things, if the relationship ends!
 

Two paychecks better than one, well what about the debts? Two loads of debt instead of just one. Yep, I had that last time. I know that there is an easier time with more money and not being alone. Just some people like to blow it too. I am not a penny pincher, but I have known people who do. Haven't met a responsible person yet. Sorry if I sound bitter, but I still, I guess, feel the pain. I don't like being alone, so...…. Anyway, I have two dogs.
 
I have found being friends is great. When you get older, and wiser, there are those that are just great to be around and share parts of life with. And to know that there is someone out there that wants to share with you, be there for you, is wonderful. But, then you go home to your life and your bills, and the other does too. You can still learn things from each other, and have something to look forward to. Well, that is the lighter side of being alone, part of the time.
 
Only reason I married was to have kids. After that, and two divorces, no way, Jose! The gf and I have been together for fourteen years. She has her stuff, I have mine. Never, again, going to let the State tell me how I have to live my life in a relationship, or distribute things, if the relationship ends!

My ex-husband was fired from most jobs he ever held and he would take his sweet time looking for a job after he was fired. In one case, he was voluntarily unemployed for nearly five years. In other words, he stayed home watching TV most days. I was steadily employed during this time and often worked long hours to keep a roof over our heads, food in the refrigerator, the utilities on and our kids in good schools. During the divorce process, my ex-husband wanted far more than he was entitled to because he said he had a hard time finding work and so he was less secure in terms of future employment than I was. It wasn't that. He would only accept certain types of jobs, if offered, and turned his nose up at work he felt was beneath him. We sought the advice of a mediator during our divorce and she empathized with him. My ex and I argued and negotiated for three months until I finally threw in the towel and agreed to most of his demands. In the divorce, he got 75% of our things (TVs, furniture, kitchen things, household stuff).

I never want to go through anything like that again so I doubt getting married again is in my future.
 
There’s nothing wrong with that. You do what works for ‘you.’ I know an elderly couple that married ( 2nd marriage for both ) yet each kept their own houses. That’s how they wanted it and they seem happier than the average couple.
You never know. 🤷
We’ll send Cupid down your way. :hatlaugh:
LOL Keesha! :D I know this response is late but don't visit here that regularly and have trouble keeping up with who replies to me when I do.
 
If I had known at 20 what I now know about marriage, I would never have married in the first place. As far as I'm concerned, the traditional marriage is a form of indentured servitude and the more conservative the man and the community, the more the restrictions on the woman. It varies among various cultural and religious groups, so the degree varies from severe to mild. I discovered the hard way, that it just wasn't my cup of tea. I could be wrong,, but I suspect that to be true for lot of woman stuck in that situation. I made the best of it but my heart just wasn't in it. I've now been single for over 30 years and I've never been happier. I don't even date - but that's a whole 'nother story!
 
I've been divorced for 36 years. I considered marriage again, but my ex-wife and 3 fiancées after her taught me important lessons about trust & "Love."
 
Marriage works well for some people, not so well for others. I've been very fortunate to have had a good, supportive, easy marriage with very few rough patches.

Indentured servitude? What a drag your marriage must have been, Nozzle. Sorry for that. Glad you learned that being single works best for you.
 
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Just wanted to say, this is one of the best discussions I've ever seen onlne. I have nothing much to add, except to say that fair number of couples here in my retirement community are not married. Most have been married before, and are either widowed or divorced. Many do not even share living quarters; they keep their own homes and have privacy, and presumably, all their "stuff" will go to their own kids, including their home, car, etc. But they spend at least part of every day together, travel together, attend all social occasions together, and pretty much act like a married couple. Seems like the best of both words to me.
 
Just wanted to say, this is one of the best discussions I've ever seen onlne. I have nothing much to add, except to say that fair number of couples here in my retirement community are not married. Most have been married before, and are either widowed or divorced. Many do not even share living quarters; they keep their own homes and have privacy, and presumably, all their "stuff" will go to their own kids, including their home, car, etc. But they spend at least part of every day together, travel together, attend all social occasions together, and pretty much act like a married couple. Seems like the best of both words to me.

I could see how that would work well, Sunny. While I've learned to never say never, I cannot imagine a situation in which I would agree to live with or marry again if something happened to my sweetie.
 
Marriage works well for some people, not so well for others. I've been very fortunate to have had a good, supportive, easy marriage with very few rough patches.

Indentured servitude? What a drag your marriage must have been, Nozzle. Sorry for that. Glad you learned that being single works best for you.
Part of the problem was me and the very poor choices I made. I did elect to go through some short term therapy after the divorce and as my therapist said - my picker was broke" (had a very dysfunctional childhood - spent most of it in foster homes)
 
Nope, was married 31 years. Don't want to do that again. I am freeeeeeee from the bonds of marriage. Been six years and don't even miss the companionship anymore. Husband was a decent guy but the set up was lousy. He was divorced twice already when I took the chance. Blah he was soured on women. We raised our children and then he died. The end.
 
If I had known at 20 what I now know about marriage, I would never have married in the first place. As far as I'm concerned, the traditional marriage is a form of indentured servitude and the more conservative the man and the community, the more the restrictions on the woman. It varies among various cultural and religious groups, so the degree varies from severe to mild. I discovered the hard way, that it just wasn't my cup of tea. I could be wrong,, but I suspect that to be true for lot of woman stuck in that situation. I made the best of it but my heart just wasn't in it. I've now been single for over 30 years and I've never been happier. I don't even date - but that's a whole 'nother story!
I know what you mean Nozzle. My first marriage was a traditional one.. .only lasted 3 months. My second one a little more than 2 decades later was not traditional...he didn't live here "full time". Good thing because that probably wouldn't have lasted a year as much as I loved him when we married. I'm very independent and never believed in the "obey" part of traditional vows since I'm not a child and not a pet. I am Muslim and you'd be surprised at what Muslim husbands are advised to do regarding their marriages....that many, maybe most don't adhere to. Muslim husbands are advised to help their wives around the house (unless his working hours are just too long), help with the children, make sure she's pleased in bed before he finishes (in fact ask her permission to leave the marital bed). The men are also supposed to ask their wives' opinions before making important decisions. We are advised to be "blankets" or protection for one another.
 
Being a newish widow, a question....why get remarried? Was married for 45+ years, an ok marriage, am able to live comfortably with the money I have, so why remarry again, why not just live together? I’m truly curious. I get the companionship, etc etc, but cant you just live together and achieve all the same goals without the paperwork? One statement my money manager told me was that if I ever choose to get married again, keep our monies seperate esp if my partner had children.

Marriage does not have to be a government-sponsored contract. You can just have whatever ritual you enjoy.
However, bear in mind that the law is tricky.
Live together long enough, and you may fall under "common law spouse" status.
"Palimony" is a thing.
Nolo Press self-help law books include a very good "living together" guide. Your library can likely get you a copy.
 
I know what you mean Nozzle. My first marriage was a traditional one.. .only lasted 3 months. My second one a little more than 2 decades later was not traditional...he didn't live here "full time". Good thing because that probably wouldn't have lasted a year as much as I loved him when we married. I'm very independent and never believed in the "obey" part of traditional vows since I'm not a child and not a pet. I am Muslim and you'd be surprised at what Muslim husbands are advised to do regarding their marriages....that many, maybe most don't adhere to. Muslim husbands are advised to help their wives around the house (unless his working hours are just too long), help with the children, make sure she's pleased in bed before he finishes (in fact ask her permission to leave the marital bed). The men are also supposed to ask their wives' opinions before making important decisions. We are advised to be "blankets" or protection for one another.


Religious books of most faiths include quite a few rules, but I've never seen any issue the rules in an effective manner.
By that I mean the "what's in it for me" factor.
A promise of a reward after death is a little weak.

If the rule said, "here is a list of ways that your life as a man will be happy if you just do these duties with / for your wife"
then perhaps it would carry more weight.

It may be unfair, but many men feel that providing the bulk of the money and security is more
than enough to give.

Many men discover that if they do things like housework or help with the children, all they get
is criticism about how they do it from their wives.

Many men care a lot less about whether their clothes are clean or the kitchen floor is swept than women do.
It isnt' just that they don't want to help. They just don't care as much as you do.

It may shock you to discover that most men have no control whatsoever as to when they sexually "finish" as you put it.
Think of it as sneezing. Can you decide when to sneeze, or when to stop sneezing?

Most women make men work really hard to get them to have sex or get married.
Is it really surprising that some men are just burnt out after that?

Many men are tempted into marriage by sex and good looks.
Is it surprising that they quit trying when their wives get fat and quit being sexual?

I presume you were married in some kind of religious ceremony with a religious leader conducting it?
Before he agreed to perform the ceremony, did that person sit the two of you down?
Did he read out loud these rules, one by one?
Okay, prospective husband, do you agree to do this specific thing?
Do you understand that I personally
am going to bring a gang of men to literally beat you with sticks until you're dead if you break this rule?
And so on, one by one......?

Before you were married, did you clearly, directly, proactively tell your husbands,
"Here are the parts of the vows I don't believe in"?
 


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