Is there doubt in your mind about the Jesus story, virgin birth, heaven, hell, are you afraid you might pay later for your TRUE feelings, doubts?
I do not doubt the Christian stories about the birth of Christ because I, along with many Christians and other readers of the bible, regard them a mythological stories, designed to recall certain OT myths and prophesies. Nor do I doubt that Jesus existed as a real man in the historical period described in the nativity stories.
Heaven and hell are not physical places in my mind but when I say that I am living in heaven or hell on this earth, I'm pretty sure most people know what I mean. Rather than worry about reward of punishment after death I am much more interested in helping to create the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. This is not the Christian equivalent of a caliphate. It is a space, a sanctuary, where peace, love and harmony are more important than wealth, power and prestige. You can't do this by yourself - it must be achieved by a community, whether small or large. It can be found in a friendship, a family, a workplace or occasionally, a nation.
I am well into my 4th quarter of life and I would love to have faith but having spent a lot of time as a youth trying to find faith in many churches, I have become convinced that there is no hereafter for me or, regrettably anyone else. I will die with no hope of anything but that which I had before my birth........nothing.
You don't have to go looking for faith, which by the way is very different a set of beliefs. Faith is an intrinsic quality of humankind. It is expressed in different ways depending on the values of the individuals. Some place their faith in organised religion, others in a well ordered society characterised by law and order. Others place their faith in symbols of safety and security such as money in the bank and measurable assets acquired over a lifetime. For others, their faith is in themselves, in their power and capacity to control their own destiny. IMO, these are the most deluded people of all because sooner or later we all discover our feet of clay. Jesus urged his followers to place their faith in the infinite - God - and in the sublime - love. Love for ourselves because flawed as we are, we are lovable and forgiven. Love of our neighbours with whom we share the planet.
In this last quarter of your life, AZ, I would recommend that you stop tormenting yourself with fears of what lies beyond the curtain and spend a little time each day in peaceful reflection. Think about all of the good things in your life and let gratitude fill your heart. If you wish, express that gratitude in words but it is enough to feel it. Then, not necessarily at the same time let your regrets surface and spend some time with the feelings that they evoke. Find some way to lay them aside because they are of the past and cannot be undone. Your emotional burdens can be removed when you realise that you are but a frail human who makes mistakes and behaves badly at times. If necessary make a symbolic gesture. I did that when I laid a flower on my uncle's grave in Singapore to atone for an estrangement with my grandmother. I walked away healed of a spiritual wound in my heart. Forgiveness comes when you forgive yourself.
Then get on with living your remaining days with faith in your heart that all will be well and waste no worry on the subject of mortality/immortality.
Life is now. Hope is now. Love is now. I believe that this is the important message of the Christmas nativity narratives and the trimmings - angels, shepherds, wise men, a stable, virgin birth - should not be allowed to distract from the core message to mankind - Peace on earth. Goodwill to all men.