Forgiveness!

Keesha said:
Not trusting them again is like walking away.
If you can’t trust them then where do they fit into your life?

And there are some situations where we don’t have the opportunity to walk away even if we wanted to so we learn ways of adapting.
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I guess I have walked away and it was long ago that I walked away but hadn't forgiven at that time. Now I have forgiven and feel free of them. I have always been able to walk away thankfully.
 

JimW said:
That's my story in a nutshell as well, Shalimar. Walking away was my only option for my sanity.
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This is how I have released myself from the endless anguish of past unforgivable acts by family members:

Calmly, quietly, with closed eyes, I summon the spirit - the very soul - that I am having difficulty with. I acknowledge that there is a bond between us no matter what the hurts or misunderstandings on either side. There will always be love there.

Then I acknowledge that God, the Universe, Karma, or circumstance, put us together for a reason. Whatever it was we were supposed to do, or should have done, for and with each other went horribly off the rails.

Too much toxicity having extinguished any chance for this relationship to become healthy, I release this person's soul from further obligation to mine, and release mine from his/hers. I tell the soul I wish it no harm and hope that the rest of its journey goes well, but I cannot and will not allow its presence in my life. I also acknowledge my belief that when this life is over for us both, a greater power will broker a full healing.

With some people I've had to do this several times over a period of time before I am fully released, but each time brings me a greater sense of peace.
 
Capt Lightning said:
Forgiving someone without them showing genuine remorse is simply letting them get away with it. Some things I will never forgive.
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I have family members that think I should just keep taking it over and over and forgive each time a certain family member does the same thing to me. I say, no way will I do that. If they can't show they are truly sorry by not doing it again, then I will just stay away from them. But no, these family members think I am in the wrong because I refuse to take it. I say, they should mind their own business!
 

StarSong said:
This is how I have released myself from the endless anguish of past unforgivable acts by family members:

Calmly, quietly, with closed eyes, I summon the spirit - the very soul - that I am having difficulty with. I acknowledge that there is a bond between us no matter what the hurts or misunderstandings on either side. There will always be love there.

Then I acknowledge that God, the Universe, Karma, or circumstance, put us together for a reason. Whatever it was we were supposed to do, or should have done, for and with each other went horribly off the rails.

Too much toxicity having extinguished any chance for this relationship to become healthy, I release this person's soul from further obligation to mine, and release mine from his/hers. I tell the soul I wish it no harm and hope that the rest of its journey goes well, but I cannot and will not allow its presence in my life. I also acknowledge my belief that when this life is over for us both, a greater power will broker a full healing.

With some people I've had to do this several times over a period of time before I am fully released, but each time brings me a greater sense of peace.
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Poignant and powerful, touched me deeply. 💕💕
 
I get everything that was written here. However, doesn’t it really come down to what we are forgiving? For example; if someone steps on my foot and says, “Excuse me” or “Sorry” this is not hard to forgive that person. But, if someone kills your parent, spouse, sibling, etc., would you be able to forgive?

The common answer or the answer that I would expect to read would be, “Yes, but it wouldn’t happen right away.” I could never say that. It’s highly unlikely that I ever would and no. I would not carry that emotion or guilt around with me. I have the ability to simply move on with not burdening myself with any regret of not forgiving.

I had an aunt that had a heart attack and needed a heart bypass (triple). He messed up and my aunt had a stroke during the procedure and a few days later, she died. That was back in 1994. To this day, I have never forgiven him. This aunt was my Mom’s sister and treated me like her son. She was not only my aunt, but a very good and close friend.

I know forgiveness is not given for the sake of the person that caused the issue to begin with, but for the person that suffered the tragedy or whatever other event that may have caused the need to forgive. I never forgave him and I am doing fine. To me and in my mind, he just does not exist. I may as well also tell you that I told him the same thing. He apologized. Really? How do you apologize for taking someone’s life? The Coroner told us that a competent doctor should never make the mistake that he did. Please do not write me and tell me how this was a mistake and gee, he’s only human and we all make mistakes. I really do not care to discuss it. That train left the station long ago.

Yes, I’ve made mistakes, but none of them cost anyone their life.
 
Gary O' said:
That's a big statement
And has a lot of truth to it
Forgiveness has little to do with trust



It gets too complex when mixing forgiveness with trusting...and forgetting

For me, forgiveness is, 'hey, it's OK, we both learned something here'

Forgiveness is not holding, harboring
It's a learning experience

Forgiveness simply sez, nothing owed
That's all

It's not some saintly thing

It's, in many ways, self preservation
Not belaboring someone's fault

Trust?

Forget?

That's some sorta blind idiocy

Nothing learned

A patsy for next time

Forgiveness is lightening the load that needn't be there in the first place

As TG sez...simply move on
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Indeed, you nailed with two words:
'self preservation.'
 
Some horrors are beyond my capacity to forgive. For example, the cruelty meted out to certain children who I was unable to protect. I have seen monsters, Evil in human form, chilling smiles and all. In a different reality, I would have taken their heads and displayed them in my pike garden. In this reality, I offer love and hope to as many broken souls as possible, particularly children. This I do in honour of the dead. I am all that remains of their story.
 
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Evil? You want to see evil at work? How about a grown adult male taking 10 little girls hostage, shoots 8 of them and kills 5 of the 8; 2 of them were sisters. And, I got there just a few minutes too late to prevent it from happening or I would have rushed the door and sacrificed myself to save those little girls. I lived with that guilt for a long time, until I was able to convince myself that circumstances prevented the other Trooper and myself from getting there in time. I will never forget that day or those little girls.
 
Shalimar said:
Some horrors are beyond my capacity to forgive. For example, the cruelty meted out to certain children who I was unable to protect. I have seen monsters, Evil in human form, chilling smiles and all.
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911 said:
Evil? You want to see evil at work? How about a grown adult male taking 10 little girls hostage, shoots 8 of them and kills 5 of the 8
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Those are atrocities

Atrocities are a category of their own

Beyond understanding

Beyond compassion

Beyond forgiveness

I consider them for God to handle


Any of that happens to my friends or family…..I become GOD

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It's happened
When we meet up, they tend to become sorry they were born
No regrets


Grudge?.....pffft...I give no time to form a grudge in those cases
 
My benchmark for forgiveness is being able to pray for God's blessings for a person. Have to admit that sometimes I'm hoping God will go the tough love route with the blessings! If I can't do that, then I pray, "Help me be able to pray because I really, really don't want to." Have a couple of people that I can't get beyond, "God, please save 'em or kill 'em and do it quickly." No smilie to offset that one ...I'm completely serious. Both those cases involve the emotional abuse of children.
 
About 7 years ago, then again 7 months ago, I found myself in the position of feeling very betrayed (three different people but each close to me). I've been wrestling with my feelings about these events and for the excellent reason you state in your second paragraph plus our belief as Muslims that in order to be forgiven (on Judgement Day), one must first forgive....I'm trying to bring myself to the point where I can totally forgive them. I've sort of forgiven one (a relative) but I'm "feeding him with a long handled spoon". I don't think we can ever be as close as we once were unless (or until) I tell him how I really feel about his actions and not just to me but to others in the family.

I wish I could forgive like my husband. He instantly (it seems) forgave so many who did him wrong and this includes his family members. I often marveled at how he could do that. For our own peace of mine (remember that second paragraph sentence), I hope you can forgive again.
 
After I wrote my reply to this thread I was looking at old pictures. I saw one of my daughter on her wedding. It brought back a memory of something her Mother-in-law said to me on the day of my daughters wedding. She told me she made her daughter stop at my house before the wedding to make sure my daughter looked decent and not gawdy in her wedding gown. My daughter and her son had dated for 5 yrs before marrying and my daughter never looked gawdy. The MIL didn't like that we were Italian and that's how she depicted Italians. It's been over 14yrs now and I still remeber it like it was yesterday. I try to be nice to her,but I will never forgive her for insulting my daughter.
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I haven’t read many of the responses So it’s possible I’m being redundant.

What I have read leads me to believe I have a very different take on forgiveness.

Forgiveness is for ME, not the receiver. It prevents me from turning toxic and negative, just sort of choking on the buildup of resentment and upset and anger and maybe even thoughts of revenge.

It doesn’t have anything to do with reconciliation, or a resurgence of trust, or even a newfound ability to be in the same room as the person or have a conversation with them. It simply grants me peace, a cessation of the anger, a resurgence of well being.

It’s just...letting go. It allows me to let go of the negative feelings, the resentment and the hurt. Is it easy? Hell no!!! Not for me anyway. But the more I’m able to forgive the more my empathy and feelings of compassion increase. It’s certainly a process, and has nothing to do with getting the person who offended me to change or apologize or do better.

It’s for me. To help ME do better. 😉
 
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It's funny I saw this topic today. Just a few hours ago I got a phone call from my brother-in-laws sister. For many years we would spend the weekend at her house. Because of her family situation she had no contact with her parents or brothers and sister. The only brother that spoke to her was my Brother-in-law. They weren't raised together because my BIL was raised in a boys home. His parents sent him there at 11yrs old because of an accident he was in and after being in the hospital for months neither parent wanted him. He married my sister when he was 19 yrs old. My sister tried to get the family together but it didn't work. Only the one sister came around because she wanted her son to have family. So he treated me like an Aunt and I loved him too. Well about 10 years later my BIL passed away. She acted at the funeral like it was a party. She made fun of me and my husband because we were heartbroken over my BIL's death. She made me upset but I didn't say anything. A few months later my sisters son had an epidural stroke that left him paralyzed from the chest down. She took it as a another joke and made fun of him. That was when I had enough of her and so did my sister. It's almost 15yrs now that we have never spoken to her. She called today because she said she heard my nephew was in hospice. She said she thought it would be nice if we had dinner together to celebrate her son's engagement. That was when I lost it. I expressed my feelings about her and hung up the phone. I am so happy I did !
 


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