Here I go again, grieving over my problems with my son.

MarciKS said:
Sometimes in life no matter what our hearts want...we have to let go of people we don't want to let go of in order to keep our sanity and have a fruitful life. It's sad...some kids have really good parents and they treat them like crap later on. Then there's other kids who have no parents and could use the love and there's none to receive.

I love my parents more than anything. They're the only friends I've ever truly had. But sometimes they mock me or say terrible things that remind me of the verbal abuse I received as a child. I've had to take a step back from them. Especially right now. My father has been being rather unreasonable and free with his remarks. Doesn't care who he upsets. We have to do what we have to do to survive.
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So true. I am sorry you are going through this. Hugs
 

Let me tell you that you guys and gals are not alone I too grieve for the loss of contact with my 2
No easy way around it is there? Something will happen and my mind goes back to when they were babies
Then reality kicks in and I realise I will probably never have contact with them again
They are only waiting to benefit from my Last Will and Testament...they are in for a big surprise
'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child'
I am estranged from my daughter and my son and I am not now nor ever have been a terrible mother
I have tried to contact them many many times but with no success so I don't even try now
 
peramangkelder said:
Let me tell you that you guys and gals are not alone I too grieve for the loss of contact with my 2
No easy way around it is there? Something will happen and my mind goes back to when they were babies
Then reality kicks in and I realise I will probably never have contact with them again
They are only waiting to benefit from my Last Will and Testament...they are in for a big surprise
'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child'
I am estranged from my daughter and my son and I am not now nor ever have been a terrible mother
I have tried to contact them many many times but with no success so I don't even try now
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peramangkelder said:
Let me tell you that you guys and gals are not alone I too grieve for the loss of contact with my 2
No easy way around it is there? Something will happen and my mind goes back to when they were babies
Then reality kicks in and I realise I will probably never have contact with them again
They are only waiting to benefit from my Last Will and Testament...they are in for a big surprise
'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child'
I am estranged from my daughter and my son and I am not now nor ever have been a terrible mother
I have tried to contact them many many times but with no success so I don't even try now
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I am so sorry you have these issues. When my daughter told us she was moving away, two weeks before she did, I was crushed. I have always had to be very careful in what I say to her or I would be in the same position others are.

If I unknowingly make a criticism, that I did not realize was a criticism, she will not text me for a couple of weeks. Which is how I know I I said some thing wrong but have no clue what it was. I tell myself she forgot my birthday this year for the first time.

But I am lying to myself. I know she didnā€™t forget. I know she decided I said something she didnā€™t like, and therefore, I must be ā€œpunishedā€. She is very much like her father. I sometimes pay a big price for continued contact so I understand what you are saying.
 
Pinky said:
@Shalimar - I hope your son will one day soon realize what he is going to regret pushing away.

It is not equivalent to your situation, but, I went through a decade of estrangement from one of my sisters (my choice). We are now close again.

Sometimes, people just need to mature.
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Thanks Pinky, I hope you are right. Pleased to hear you and your sister are close again.
 
Oh honey!! I am so sorry. šŸ’” I didn't know you were struggling with this issue with your son! That really sucks.

I've never been estranged from any of my kids...well other than my son who's a recovering addict and he disappeared for a few months and I didn't know if he was alive or dead...that was hard. But still, the estrangement was by MY hand because I realized how much I was enabling him, which was hindering his recover. But that was an entirely different circumstance that what you're dealing with. I can imagine how much it must hurt.

I hope you don't mind me asking....does your son have mental issues? Bipolar, major depressive disorder, other personality disorders? They can produce this kind of hot/cold swing.

I know you know that you can't control his swings. From everything you've said here, it's obvious that YOU aren't doing anything one way or the other to cause him to flip. He just does, for reasons that you don't know, and you have zero control over that.

I think as parents we sometimes tend to contort ourselves into the strangest, weirdest pretzel shapes mentally in order to make ourselves responsible for our kids' behavior. I mean it makes a weird kind of sense....if we can be responsible for their behavior, then we can CHANGE their behavior by changing ourselves. It's so sad that it doesn't work that way. šŸ˜£ Do you know if your son has problems with other interpersonal relationships?

I'm really glad to read that you protect yourself by distancing, when he flips. That's really important for you. Hard as it is, it's still the healthiest response you can have under the circumstances.

My heart goes out to you. Sending you an abundance of love and light. šŸ’œ āœØ
 
Ronni said:
Oh honey!! I am so sorry. šŸ’” I didn't know you were struggling with this issue with your son! That really sucks.

I've never been estranged from any of my kids...well other than my son who's a recovering addict and he disappeared for a few months and I didn't know if he was alive or dead...that was hard. But still, the estrangement was by MY hand because I realized how much I was enabling him, which was hindering his recover. But that was an entirely different circumstance that what you're dealing with. I can imagine how much it must hurt.

I hope you don't mind me asking....does your son have mental issues? Bipolar, major depressive disorder, other personality disorders? They can produce this kind of hot/cold swing.

I know you know that you can't control his swings. From everything you've said here, it's obvious that YOU aren't doing anything one way or the other to cause him to flip. He just does, for reasons that you don't know, and you have zero control over that.

I think as parents we sometimes tend to contort ourselves into the strangest, weirdest pretzel shapes mentally in order to make ourselves responsible for our kids' behavior. I mean it makes a weird kind of sense....if we can be responsible for their behavior, then we can CHANGE their behavior by changing ourselves. It's so sad that it doesn't work that way. šŸ˜£ Do you know if your son has problems with other interpersonal relationships?

I'm really glad to read that you protect yourself by distancing, when he flips. That's really important for you. Hard as it is, it's still the healthiest response you can have under the circumstances.

My heart goes out to you. Sending you an abundance of love and light. šŸ’œ āœØ
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Thanks so much for the love, my friend. šŸ„° Fortunately, my son is not mentally ill. He also has excellent people skills, very charismatic, many friends, and has been with the same woman for

over fifteen yrs, twelve of them married. He works for the govt in Emergency Services where he must exude a calm demeanour at all times, while thinking on his feet. He doesnā€™t seem to have any problem with anyone other than me. His father, Peter Pan, who has many problems, and I kicked to the curb when my son was seven, is treated much differently. Odd considering he didnā€™t pay child support, left me to do

ninety percent of the parenting, and later was involved in domestic violence. My son thanked me for leaving his dad, and protecting him from the violence which showed up in some of his fatherā€˜s subsequent relationships. He even did a short stint in jail for such when he was about fifty. Yet, my

son felt he wasnā€™t really a criminal?? My son doesnā€™t have mood swings. He is emotional, as am I, but well within the norm. He is averse to apologies,

somewhat arrogant, very stubborn. He tends to think he has the answers without actually hearing the questions. We no longer fight, things were pleasant, however, I refuse to participate in a

relationship which still lacks compassion. However reasonable he seemed to have become in other ways, that is the bottom line for me. Love is about, respect, trust, compassion, not heartbreak. He can wallow in being right, according to his lights. I choose peace and self respect at whatever the cost. No one controls the narrative of my life šŸ¤—šŸŒø
 
I am sorry for the situation you are going through, I am getting married in February and the thought of a son or a daughter is equally scary. I have a lot to learn.
 
tishakage said:
I am sorry for the situation you are going through, I am getting married in February and the thought of a son or a daughter is equally scary. I have a lot to learn.
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Thanks for the kind words. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Of course you feel scared, only natural, but my relationship with my son is long-standing, the problems going back over fifteen years. No reason to think your experience would mirror my own. I wish you the very best in your new life.
 
Shalimar said:
Thanks so much for the love, my friend. šŸ„° Fortunately, my son is not mentally ill. He also has excellent people skills, very charismatic, many friends, and has been with the same woman for

over fifteen yrs, twelve of them married. He works for the govt in Emergency Services where he must exude a calm demeanour at all times, while thinking on his feet. He doesnā€™t seem to have any problem with anyone other than me. His father, Peter Pan, who has many problems, and I kicked to the curb when my son was seven, is treated much differently. Odd considering he didnā€™t pay child support, left me to do

ninety percent of the parenting, and later was involved in domestic violence. My son thanked me for leaving his dad, and protecting him from the violence which showed up in some of his fatherā€˜s subsequent relationships. He even did a short stint in jail for such when he was about fifty. Yet, my

son felt he wasnā€™t really a criminal?? My son doesnā€™t have mood swings. He is emotional, as am I, but well within the norm. He is averse to apologies,

somewhat arrogant, very stubborn. He tends to think he has the answers without actually hearing the questions. We no longer fight, things were pleasant, however, I refuse to participate in a

relationship which still lacks compassion. However reasonable he seemed to have become in other ways, that is the bottom line for me. Love is about, respect, trust, compassion, not heartbreak. He can wallow in being right, according to his lights. I choose peace and self respect at whatever the cost. No one controls the narrative of my life šŸ¤—šŸŒø
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I never told my son about how horrific my marriage was to his bio father or his abuse towards me and him. Still havenā€™t. Married, moved to where my husband lived, next door to the state my ex husband lived in. šŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø Ex husband took me to court to gain visitation with my son, and visitation was granted. My son was, hmm, 2 or 3 at the time.

We quit both our jobs, and fled before the court papers were finalized. A warrant was issued, and the police went to his relatives houses in an attempt to locate us. They missed us by one hour. šŸ˜‚
The ex divorced that wife, remarried, and caught up to us in my home state.

Took us to court, got visitation, also had to pay 15 dollar a month in child support.. My son was abused during theses visits. Due to the expense, he let my husband adopt my son. Fast forward, my son, an adult seeks out his bio father. šŸ¤®. He thinks his father will want to know him. He learned different.

For some strange reason, a lot of adults, even freed as children from toxic adults, still want to know their child abusing biological parents. It is so sad. (Sorry for the long explanation). It seems, @Shalimar, none of us can avoid this.
 
Aneeda72 said:
I never told my son about how horrific my marriage was to his bio father or his abuse towards me and him. Still havenā€™t. Married, moved to where my husband lived, next door to the state my ex husband lived in. šŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø Ex husband took me to court to gain visitation with my son, and visitation was granted. My son was, hmm, 2 or 3 at the time.

We quit both our jobs, and fled before the court papers were finalized. A warrant was issued, and the police went to his relatives houses in an attempt to locate us. They missed us by one hour. šŸ˜‚
The ex divorced that wife, remarried, and caught up to us in my home state.

Took us to court, got visitation, also had to pay 15 dollar a month in child support.. My son was abused during theses visits. Due to the expense, he let my husband adopt my son. Fast forward, my son, an adult seeks out his bio father. šŸ¤®. He thinks his father will want to know him. He learned different.

For some strange reason, a lot of adults, even freed as children from toxic adults, still want to know their child abusing biological parents. It is so sad. (Sorry for the long explanation). It seems, @Shalimar, none of us can avoid this.
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Oh, my dear, I am so sorry you went through this. šŸ„°
My son was never abused by his dad. My son asked me why his dad had never abused him. I replied, because I would have killed him. (Actually, my vets would have made him disappear.)
 
Shalimar said:
Oh, my dear, I am so sorry you went through this. šŸ„°
My son was never abused by his dad. My son asked me why his dad had never abused him. I replied, because I would have killed him. (Actually, my vets would have made him disappear.)
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Thanks.

My current husband is very good with children and was an excellent father to my son. When my son had open heart surgery last year and thought he was going to die (which he almost did), he told my husband, his adoptive father, he never thought of his bio father as dad. The other guy was always just his bio father. šŸ¤“
 
Aneeda72 said:
Thanks.

My current husband is very good with children and was an excellent father to my son. When my son had open heart surgery last year and thought he was going to die (which he almost did), he told my husband, his adoptive father, he never thought of his bio father as dad. The other guy was always just his bio father. šŸ¤“
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Ohhhh, how wonderful. Also, thank goodness your son survived ā¤ļø
 
Sounds like someone is influencing him. For what ever reason he listens to them.I've seen certain peer groups change family members Has his or wifes peer group changed? And I've seen attitude get worse as people age. I'm surprised you helping him with school as a young adult, your relatonship and parental contributions increased as he aged. I'd say there's a new variable here.

You helped get him through school and is now in a highly respectable productive job. That's all a parent can ask and help do for their child. He can fend for himself AND society at the sametime. Always keep that in mind.
 
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WhatInThe said:
Sounds like someone is influencing him. For what ever reason he listens to them.I've seen certain peer groups change family members Has his or wifes peer group changed? And I've seen attitude get worse as people age. I'm surprised you helping him with school as a young adult, your relatonship and parental contributions increased as he aged. I'd say there's a new variable here.

You helped get him through school and is now in a highly respectable productive job. That's all a parent can ask and help do for their child. He can fend for himself AND society at the sametime. Always keep that in mind.
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What? Maybe I have misunderstood what you mean by ā€œthatā€™s all a parent can ask forā€. All a parent can ask for is that their child be happy. A highly respectable productive job-what is that?
A janitor has a highly respectable productive necessary job. A pimp does not.

As for helping adult children in school or later in life, we help our children as needed till we die or they reject our help. It might be money, emotional support, physical support whatever however we can we help, we help. What new ā€œvariableā€ are you talking about.

Children change and grow. Relationships ebb and flow. Helping might take the form of tough love, which is very tough for parents and necessary for some adult children or even some parents. But, whatever, we choose to do towards our children, it should be done out of unconditional love, not anger. Out of our survival and theirs. This is the human condition.
 
Children change and grow. Relationships ebb and flow. Helping might take the form of tough love, which is very tough for parents and necessary for some adult children or even some parents. But, whatever, we choose to do towards our children, it should be done out of unconditional love, not anger. Out of our survival and theirs. This is the human condition.
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Well said.

I've had to make some very tough choices regarding my recovering addict son. I never loved him less, but distancing myself became necessary more than once.

How are you doing this morning @Shalimar?

I admire your determination to maintain your boundaries, to not be disrespected, and to detach when necessary. I know first hand how difficult that is....and for me, it's so much harder with my children than any other interpersonal relationship.

"He is averse to apologies,somewhat arrogant, very stubborn. He tends to think he has the answers without actually hearing the questions. We no longer fight, things were pleasant, however, I refuse to participate in a relationship which still lacks compassion. However reasonable he seemed to have become in other ways, that is the bottom line for me. Love is about, respect, trust, compassion, not heartbreak. He can wallow in being right, according to his lights. I choose peace and self respect at whatever the cost. No one controls the narrative of my life šŸ¤—šŸŒø"

I find your description of your son fascinating. There are aspects to your description that remind me of a situation I had with someone who has since become a friend, but at the outset she seemed arrogant, almost rude, prickly etc. A fellow dancer, she was barely an acquaintance so it didn't trouble me overly much. But we saw each other in a group setting at least once a week, if not more often. As time went on, she thawed a bit, but not much. I had occasion to work with her...she needed some coaching on technique and styling for a dance she was doing for a showcase, and she had thawed considerably by the end of that coaching session.

.........and you didn't need to know all that! šŸ¤¦ā€ā™€ļø Me and my motormouth!! Anyway, it finally came out, once she felt safe enough to tell me, that she had felt very intimidated by me and so was defensive before she ever actually KNEW me! I hadn't done a damn thing except be myself!

I'm sure you'd have known long since if he felt intimidated by you, but I wanted to mention it anyway, just in case. I am hearing how it's impacted you, but because I'm not IN the situation I can also look at your son's behavior from HIS perspective, and what might be motivating him to behave the way he does. And I also may be full of you know what! šŸ˜‚ but some of what you mention sounds like defensive behavior rather than a personal attack...if that makes sense. IOW his behavior is WAY more about him and whatever demons he's battling than it is about anything you've done TO him.
 

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