How alone are you?

rgp said:
This will sound like a smart a$$ answer....it is not intended that way at all.

But you cannot get your old life back....period. Life goes on. And IMO you will only frustrate yourself if you continue to hang on to that thought. Your life has changed, you need to make adjustments to create the next chapter of it.

It is not 'stupid' to be / feel lonely...
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sorry, I just dug into my poster creation archive

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I've lived alone since my husband died eight years ago, but I am never really "alone." I guess I'm in the first group, living technically alone but surrounded by family and friends. Living in a senior community, filled with tons of activities, I could be among people 24 hours a day if I chose to do so. But I enjoy the balance of time with other people vs. time alone.

I do find that I have to get out and mingle with other people at least once a day, even if it's just to go to the gym or something. I enjoy my own company, but not THAT much!
 
debbie in seattle said:
I too, am alone. My husband passed May 14, this year. It’s terrible. I have friends, but they’re married, have kids, grandkids, etc. one of my daughters live in Az., the other not 10 miles away, but hates me, yes, hates me because she feels I should split the money my husband and I had prior to his death into thirds, naturally, 1/3 to her. Yes, it’s crazy. I am at a total loss, what do I do with all my time? It’s terrible.
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My heart goes out to you and all who feel the pains of loneliness and or loss. Grief takes time to come out of, so no one can tell you to just snap out of it, you take your time and when you are at a place ready to interact in social settings you'll know though it would be good to also make an effort to do something nice for yourself outside the home.

Think about getting out and letting the sun warm your face, when your ready maybe a spa day or even use a bit of that money for a spa like getaway. Maybe when you get back you'll be ready to take on some new activities like volunteering at that point, but either way, go at a pace suitable to you.

Think about a journal, writing about your feelings day to day, get your feelings out even if you want talk to hubby tell him how you feel about his absence, if you must let him know you'll be okay. Let go of any grievances just let it all go in those writings or voice recordings if you prefer. But whatever you do, get your emotions out there and breath, breath deep and exhale. You've been through something deep.

I'll share something with you, I am alone, miss my siblings, they all died too early, I have the one daughter, we are like oil and water in our personality though we try and do get together at least once a year now, that's about as much as I can take. I personally would like to pull the plug, something I've fourth against for decades, and now more so do to all my ailments. I hurt physically most of the time can't do most of the things I would like including drive. Still, I make do and get out and about do what I can to keep active when I am able. I teach arts and craft activities to seniors in my building. I have so little in common with the people around me here in this backwards town it drives me nutso, especially the people my age.

I won't ever be over the deaths of my siblings, the reminders come every holiday, every time I see families gather for whatever reason, just when people conversere about any of their sibs. I don't wallow in the loss, but, the pain and loneliness of their absence is there. Am I always lonely, no, but, I know what it feels like at times, as I said, I keep busy and frankly, I prefer solitude most of the time anyway. But I also, enjoy the company of others now and again and people seem to like my company when I'm around which is a good thing since I know I can be a pain in the, well you know.

Aside from the journal, maybe pick up some reading materials of memoirs or other non-fiction of those who have dealt with loss or those starting over from a certain point in life. Just some of my suggestions, I could probably come up with a dozen more, some more worthless than the next, but, I'm trying.

Oh and when you're ready don't forget the meetup groups, I bet your area has some great ones. I'm going to be sharing a beach house with a group of women come Sept, they do all the kayaking and fun stuff while I just lie around or splash in the ocean a bit. :D
 
Debbie, you asked "cat or dog?" Obviously, that's a decision for you to make; no one else can really advise you. Part of it depends on where you live.

Small dogs seem to fit in anywhere. Larger dogs need space to run and play. I know you have dog parks in Seattle, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Cats can stay inside all the time, so that isn't a problem. I am more of a dog person, so I don't see the emotional closeness from a cat. (And I have owned several in the past.) But many cat lovers
swear by them. They are cleaner than dogs and easier, but not as affectionate.

Have you had any pets in the past?
 
I suppose I'm mostly a loner by nature having only a couple of close friends. Most of my family is gone or live quite a ways away in other states. I love being outdoors, being away from people- I'm more like a Thoreau not like a serial killer. My library card is my new best friend.

As for dying and no one knowing: I do have a daughter that lives in another state. We have a long conversation on the phone weekly and in between times, I'll send her a smiley face either in a text or in a facebook message just to let her know all is well. For those who are kind of loners and feel pressured by society to join the local bingo group or to get a cat or to join a bowling league when you don't really want to, I would like to suggest a book. It's called Party of One The Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus. I like that she talks about the differences between being alone and being lonely and that loners are not damaged goods who need to be mended.

I am not greedy, I'm not homicidal or suicidal, I'm not crazy. Most of all, the word "bored" is never in my vocabulary. It takes very little to interest or entertain me. Probably the most difficult thing I've encountered is if I have to have a routine medical procedure/test performed requiring anesthesia. Sometimes it's difficult to find someone to drive me and then stay with me. I figure my ideal situation as I continue to age would be to find a bunch of old former hippies, rent a huge house together, turn it into a commune, sing folk songs, try to guess what everyone's old wrinkly tattoos used to be and use pot for our arthritis and whatever else ails us. I don't smoke but I heard Colorado has some nice pot gummy bears. I'm not sure I could handle living with other people unless some sort of mood enhancing drug was involved. For now though, alone is good.
 
dkay said:
I suppose I'm mostly a loner by nature having only a couple of close friends. Most of my family is gone or live quite a ways away in other states. I love being outdoors, being away from people- I'm more like a Thoreau not like a serial killer. My library card is my new best friend.

As for dying and no one knowing: I do have a daughter that lives in another state. We have a long conversation on the phone weekly and in between times, I'll send her a smiley face either in a text or in a facebook message just to let her know all is well. For those who are kind of loners and feel pressured by society to join the local bingo group or to get a cat or to join a bowling league when you don't really want to, I would like to suggest a book. It's called Party of One The Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus. I like that she talks about the differences between being alone and being lonely and that loners are not damaged goods who need to be mended.

I am not greedy, I'm not homicidal or suicidal, I'm not crazy. Most of all, the word "bored" is never in my vocabulary. It takes very little to interest or entertain me. Probably the most difficult thing I've encountered is if I have to have a routine medical procedure/test performed requiring anesthesia. Sometimes it's difficult to find someone to drive me and then stay with me. I figure my ideal situation as I continue to age would be to find a bunch of old former hippies, rent a huge house together, turn it into a commune, sing folk songs, try to guess what everyone's old wrinkly tattoos used to be and use pot for our arthritis and whatever else ails us. I don't smoke but I heard Colorado has some nice pot gummy bears. I'm not sure I could handle living with other people unless some sort of mood enhancing drug was involved. For now though, alone is good.
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I was right there with you until the part about living in a commune cleaning up after a bunch of old hippies!!!

I particularly like the highlighted sentence above.

I'm alone most of the time but rarely lonely.

I get bored more often than I get lonely.
 
It's a very lucky person who can be alone without feeling lonely. Personally, I like my own company - am my own best friend. I love and admire her and treat her well.
 
I am in the completely alone group. I live alone, no pets. Rarely speak on the telephone. I just spent the last 6 weeks working on a project and never left the house. I am never lonely I love the way I have designed my life.
 
dkay said:
I suppose I'm mostly a loner by nature having only a couple of close friends. Most of my family is gone or live quite a ways away in other states. I love being outdoors, being away from people- I'm more like a Thoreau not like a serial killer. My library card is my new best friend.

As for dying and no one knowing: I do have a daughter that lives in another state. We have a long conversation on the phone weekly and in between times, I'll send her a smiley face either in a text or in a facebook message just to let her know all is well. For those who are kind of loners and feel pressured by society to join the local bingo group or to get a cat or to join a bowling league when you don't really want to, I would like to suggest a book. It's called Party of One The Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus. I like that she talks about the differences between being alone and being lonely and that loners are not damaged goods who need to be mended.

I am not greedy, I'm not homicidal or suicidal, I'm not crazy. Most of all, the word "bored" is never in my vocabulary. It takes very little to interest or entertain me. Probably the most difficult thing I've encountered is if I have to have a routine medical procedure/test performed requiring anesthesia. Sometimes it's difficult to find someone to drive me and then stay with me. I figure my ideal situation as I continue to age would be to find a bunch of old former hippies, rent a huge house together, turn it into a commune, sing folk songs, try to guess what everyone's old wrinkly tattoos used to be and use pot for our arthritis and whatever else ails us. I don't smoke but I heard Colorado has some nice pot gummy bears. I'm not sure I could handle living with other people unless some sort of mood enhancing drug was involved. For now though, alone is good.
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My story is pretty much the same..

"I figure my ideal situation as I continue to age would be to find a bunch of old former hippies, rent a huge house together, turn it into a commune, sing folk songs, try to guess what everyone's old wrinkly tattoos used to be and use pot for our arthritis and whatever else ails us. "

 <GRIN>....doesn't that pretty much describe a rest home / senior center?

P.S....I don't smoke either, but I'm more of a brownie guy...:)
 
rgp said:
My story is pretty much the same..

"I figure my ideal situation as I continue to age would be to find a bunch of old former hippies, rent a huge house together, turn it into a commune, sing folk songs, try to guess what everyone's old wrinkly tattoos used to be and use pot for our arthritis and whatever else ails us. "

 <GRIN>....doesn't that pretty much describe a rest home / senior center?

P.S....I don't smoke either, but I'm more of a brownie guy...:)
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The special brownies? Lol.
 
LOL, I worked in long term care for over 30 years and this doesn't describe any of those places. Too many rules, medicare regulations, nothing like communal living at all. People running around trying to figure out if you had your daily bowel movement. Not enough magic brownies or gummy bears for sure! That would make nursing home so much "happier".
 
You know you are lonely when----

Your dog moves in with the guy next door
Your wife says she wants to make love in the Atlantic and wants you in the Pacific
Your only company is the bug exterminator
Your therapist kicks you out
You can't get lucky with a prostitute
You go for a massage and they tell you it's self-service
Your kid carries a photo of another Dad in his wallet
You talk to your cat--and he hits you and runs away
 
debbie in seattle said:
I too, am alone. My husband passed May 14, this year. It’s terrible. I have friends, but they’re married, have kids, grandkids, etc. one of my daughters live in Az., the other not 10 miles away, but hates me, yes, hates me because she feels I should split the money my husband and I had prior to his death into thirds, naturally, 1/3 to her. Yes, it’s crazy. I am at a total loss, what do I do with all my time? It’s terrible.
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I had to ask this question. Did your daughter hate you before your husband died? Evidently, she never understood how the money gets divided as members of a family die and who determines who gets what. If your husband would have wanted her to have some of the money, he would have stated so in his portion of the will.
 
"...loners are not damaged goods who need to be mended. "

:yeah::iagree:

I really like that. I have always been a loner and I'm perfectly happy to remain so. I am married and we have kids, grandkids, and a lot of extended family so I'm not alone unless I chose to be so (which I typically do). Never lonely, though.
 
911 said:
I had to ask this question. Did your daughter hate you before your husband died? Evidently, she never understood how the money gets divided as members of a family die and who determines who gets what. If your husband would have wanted her to have some of the money, he would have stated so in his portion of the will.
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Depends on which day of the week it is, honestly. I’m over it, so many more pressing things in my life currently.
 
My granddaughter, her husband and 4 great grand kids live in my house with me. Even so, I am alone in my room 90% of the time. They have their own life and since I'm housebound, it almost never includes me. It's not like they don't like me, although sometimes I think it is, but they have their own lives and because of the multi generation gap we don't have anything in common except blood.

I'm not complaining, without them I could not live here and would probably have to go to the old folds home. They do the shopping and take care of the house, things I couldn't do myself. In return I provide them with free housing. I just need human contact so resort to the computer. I had very good friends on another site but they appear to be closed. I hope to make new friends here to maybe chat with and exchange ideas.
 
oldal said:
My granddaughter, her husband and 4 great grand kids live in my house with me. Even so, I am alone in my room 90% of the time. They have their own life and since I'm housebound, it almost never includes me. It's not like they don't like me, although sometimes I think it is, but they have their own lives and because of the multi generation gap we don't have anything in common except blood.

I'm not complaining, without them I could not live here and would probably have to go to the old folds home. They do the shopping and take care of the house, things I couldn't do myself. In return I provide them with free housing. I just need human contact so resort to the computer. I had very good friends on another site but they appear to be closed. I hope to make new friends here to maybe chat with and exchange ideas.
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