The jokes only thread....

The Perfect Man
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan"
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right
all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that
to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds
over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could
have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them .
with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out
But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake,
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer
her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate,
shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson." Passenger: "An amazing fellow.
How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan.
He died. I'm going to marry his widow next week."
 
A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?" The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away." "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?" "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."
 

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
and continued smoking.
First Lady: What's that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel
 
“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”
 
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you use to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”
 
Mick phoned his wife and said,
“Colleen, I’m just setting off from work; do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?”

His question was met with stony silence.
She may still regret letting him name the kids.
 
Sassycakes said:
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
and continued smoking.
First Lady: What's that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel
Click to expand...
@Sassycakes, your irreverent jokes are absolutely the best! :ROFLMAO:
 
So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses throws his staff down, throws his arms up and the sea parts, it was beautiful. So Jesus says to Moses "it's been a long time since I've walked on the water let me see if I still have it in me". Jesus walks out onto the water and sinks, he comes back up discouraged but Moses tells him it's been a long time and to give it another go. Jesus walks back out onto the waters and sinks again he comes back up and says "I know what the problem is last time I did this I didn't have these damn holes in my feet".
 
A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."
 
A Blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic.

All of a sudden there's a loud bang.
The pilot announces over the intercom
“I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off.
We'll be delayed 45 minutes.”

Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks
on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is a third bang and the pilot announces
that they'll be delayed 3 hours.

The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says,
“Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”
 
Sassycakes said:
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
and continued smoking.
First Lady: What's that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel
Click to expand...
True story: Some time after I told my wife that joke and she groaned, I went to the drugstore, bought a small pack of condoms, downloaded a picture of a camel and pasted it on the package, and showed it to my wife.
 
Men are like...
Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature.
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Weather. Nothing can be done to change either.
 
BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.


He got an A+.
 
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy
who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group
of female students decided that the next time he started
to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class
the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture,
he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door.
"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't
leave till tomorrow afternoon.
 
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day.
She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest,
3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you,
you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"

"Nah, you're ugly"
 

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